Day 30: My Cousins Came Over!!!

My Cousins Came Over!!! ------------------------------------------------------- So my cousins from Southeast Asia came over two days ago!!! I don't know their English names, so I'll just call them "Buo-yu" and "Yen-Lu" which is what their Chinese names sound like. Buo-yu is 11. The last time I saw him was when he was 8, and no offence, but I never really liked him. Maybe cause he was a little kid and kind of annoying. He was also a bit spoiled, too. Well, now I like him a lot better. He's definitely a lot more mature, although he's still very young compared to me. It's sad because I don't have any cousins who are anywhere near my age range; they're either 5+ years older or younger than me. He's nice, though. Yen-Lu is 24...25? She used to have black hair and have very Asian glasses (not to stereotype, but...) and she always looked very smart. Now, her hair's golden and she wears contacts. She's gotten a lot prettier, to the point where if I were a straight guy I'd think she was cute, but never mind that. She's also very nice and laughs a lot, which I guess adds to her charm. I like being around her. I actually really like both of them! Well, they came over on Thursday, and I basically showed them the basement, which they really like. We played the multiplayer Spongebob game on the PS2. And we played Brawl together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Screw U, I'm Wearing that Headband

OHHHH!! That day, we also went to the mall. But, something kind of weird happened. We went into this one store which sold all these girly trinkets and such, like sparkly bracelets and headbeads, etc. And I put on this pink bracelet as a joke, but then Yen-Lu said not to put it on. I asked her why, and she said, "It makes you look gay." That kind of hurt, cause I guess she saw it as a negativity to be gay. But oh well, she's really nice.

Well, my sisters, my mom, and Yen-Lu spent a lot of time looking around. 2 minutes soon turned into 30 minutes, to the point where nearly everyone but my mom and my sisters were just standing around. So I decided to try on this green headband just for fun. It looked pretty good on me, honestly, cause it made my hair spike up halfway up my scalp. My sisters laughed, and Yen-Lu gave me this really cute chuckle when I wore it. She was really interested and told me to try on other ones. My mom laughed a lot too, and then she said jokingly, "What's wrong with you? That's for girls!"

Now, I'm not what people label a "flammer." (I don't like labels in the first place.) I'm well aware I don't fit into every mold that embodies a typical masculine person, but just cause I like other guys doesn't mean I'm a girl.

But, here's the thing: I don't like it how society has these labels. Cause now, since every looks at me and says, "Oh, he a guy", not I can't do stuff like wear colorful bracelets or carry around bags or anything "effeminate." I mean, I'm not going so extreme as to wearing woman's clothing or wearing fake boobs, but come on?!? It's just a hairband! I hate these societal pressures we have to follow in order not to be shunned.

So.............I bought that hairband. I damn well bought that hairband! But, my mom said I had to promise to wear it, and not stuff it in a closet like some of my other clothes. I was really happy, cause now I could actually have an excuse for wearing it. (Yes!!!)

There's a shot of David Beckham with a headband, too...mmmmmmmmmmmm

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Fish Eating Cabbage (The Zoo)

Well, then we went to the zoo downtown, which was very nice. While my parents were having a small arguement, I took this photo of these group of trees that just looked so nice. They were breathtaking.....so often do you see such beauty in nature. I mean, truly, nature is almost always beautiful! But, it's actually taking the time to stop for 5 minutes and look around you, and actually remember what you're looking at, that is really so rare. I love this picture............

Then we went to eat at a Vietnamese noodle shop, which was delicious!!! I took a picture of the food here, along with a mint tree I put in my water cup. Everyone around me was staring at me, but I didn't really care cause I'm pretty sure they'd think this was also the most awesomest thing they've ever seen in a restaurant.

Well, today I spent a lot of time just playing video games with Buo-re cause he loves video games. And Yen-Lu also came to join us, which was very enjoyable cause it's so nice to play with her! At night, we watched Bride Wars, which btw is a huge downgrade from 27 Dresses. That movie was so much better, and James Marsden was way hotter than the guys in Bride Wars. Oh well............now I'm typing up this blog! I'll soon go to sleep in my relaxing icy-cool bed, so until then...GOOD Night!

Day 29: Painting the Basement

Day 29: Painting the Basement

So on Wednesday at 7:00 P.M., our whole family began to paint the basement. It was nice because we really hadn't done a group activity before in a long time. The last time I can recall we did such a thing (without some huge arguement) was when we went to church to pack food. Now that I recall this experience from 3 days before, I can feel the feeling of happiness and community that's often so rare in our home. It was truly a memorable experience.

But, of course, every experience cannot be memorable without pictures!! So I uploaded this picture of our accomplishment.

(While we were working, I played Mariah Carey's #1 Hits CD. Everyone liked it, but yet again, who wouldn't??!?!)

We finished around 12:30 A.M. and decided to go out to eat. Too bad nothing was open! We first decided to go to Steak and Shake, but my dad's a health freak and didn't want to go. So then we drove further to Mcdonald's (which of course is a lot healthier than it's other fast-food counterpart) but it was closed. AHHH!!! It was around 1: 20 by then, so we drove to another Mcdonald's. That one was open, but we had to wait 15 minutes for our food cause there were 3 cars in front of us in the drive-in. Can you believe that??? Waiting at a Mcdonald's for food at 1:00 in the morning?!?! And I always thought late-night openings were just silly....

Then we went back home, where everyone just collapsed on their beds. I made my new bed in the new basement we had (whoo!!!) which was about 20 degrees colder than the rest of the house. So it was basically heaven.

Plus, before even painting the basement, I literally spent four hours vacuuming and mopping my new bedroom. Now, I definitely don't enjoy cleaning my house, but when something's really really really REALLY dirty, I tend to be more than willing. And believe me, that basement was horrendous; it hadn't been cleaned up in at least 10 years. There was dust everywhere, layering the floor along with patches of dirt.

And the WORST part of it were the spiders!! I basically took the vaccuum and sucked up every living spider down there. There must have been 50 or more (no exaggeration) which is so gross if you think about it. 50 spiders in one room???

By the time I finished vaccuuming every cobweb, sucking every spider, scraping every mold of dust, moving very heavy couches, and then washing the floor with Pine Sol and wiping the walls of dirt, I was exhausted!! But, I must say, I was very proud of myself for being so diligent.

That night, I don't think I've slept any better than any night in my life.

Day 28a: Walt Whitman, Mariah Carey, Japanese Friend, Mom, Red Bracelet, etc. (UPDATE)

1! Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" So Walt Whitman's probably the guy you read (or at least saw) in your history books. He was supposedly one of America's greatest authors, but like most teenagers, I really didn't care too much. Or rather, it's because he was just another name in a history book to memorize. Well, a week before school ended I was sitting next to my friend Natalie, and she was reading this book "Leaves of Grass." I asked her about it and she said it was a very good book. Typical, typical, Natalie. She's super smart and loves to read books; she told me she reads at least one book a day in the summer. Yet she's the most humble person, never bragging about herself or looking down on you. Anyways, so I decided to look up Walt Whitman on wikipedia, and interestingly he is said to have been bisexual or even gay!!! That really got me interested, so I decided to read his life's work in "Leaves of Grass." I've been reading it these past weeks, and I absolutely LOVE it. It's divided into sections each with a different theme: self, friendship, nature, the Civil War, etc. But the most interesting section is called "Calamus" and it deals with "manly love"/friendship. Basically, it's a collection of poems dealing with the theme of friendship with men and women in his life. And after reading some of them, I can definitely see why he is regarded as at least bisexual. His literature is beautiful, and I think what makes it soooooooooo cool is that homosexuality in literature could even be found in the 1800's when everyone was uber conservative and Christian. It's definitely nothing like some of the other gay literature I've read, like "Rainbow High" by Alex Sanchez, "Peter" by Kate Walker, "Blackbird" by Larry Duplechan, or even "Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. None of the all-too-common teen love stories; nope. "Leaves of Grass" is pure poetry, very romantic even for a 16 year old like me. 2! I NEED a JOB!!! So, I really really need a job!!! I've applied to Jewel, Oberweis, Blockbuster, AMC Movies, Kumon, everywhere. But no one's hiring and it sucks. My parents told me it was cause a lot of stores are hiring less employees because they wan't to save money. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait..... 3! I just got Mariah Carey's #1 Hits CD So previously I've never really cared about Mariah. I just knew she was really famous and had loads of cash. But, on the whim I decided to check out her CD from the library and she has some really really really, and I mean, really really good music! (Maybe cause it's her #1 hits?!?) But, yeah, I've been cranking up the CD in the car, and now my family is into her. God, I can't believe her music was so good. It's usually either some amazing power ballad [Vision of Love] or some extremely funky, upbeat tune [Fantasy, Emotions].

Just today, I was riding in the car, and since it was 102 F outside, I rolled down the windows and stuck my window to feel the wind. Wow, did that feel nice. Next time you get in a car and your not driving, stick your head out the window to feel the breeze. Anyways, I basically sailed down the highway with "Vision of Love" playing full blast while the wind caressed my sweaty face. Pure bliss. 3! Cousins are Coming!! So my cousins are coming all the way from Southeast Asia (yes, they're oriental.) And I'm not too excited, quite honestly, just cause they're not the kind of people you can have fun with, no offence. And I know you guys know what I'm talking about... It's just that they're all such smart people and so intellectual that it'd be hard for me to relate to them. Not to mention the fact that two of them are female 24/25 year old college graduates while one is a 8-yr old boy (who is very annoying!!!) I'm sorry if I sound stupid, but I just honestly don't expect much from their visit. I'm not gonna treat them like crap, I'll still be nice to them, it's just that it'll be extremely awkward for all of us.

4! Red Bracelet Experiment Well, remember how I wrote an entry stating I wasn't going to masturbate for a WHOLE MONTH?? Yeah, lol, that never happened. I don't even think it was 3 days. I'm not going to give up though, so I revived that experiment again, and today is DAY 6. YEAH!!!!!! I haven't masturbated for 6 days.......I'm also a 16 yr old male. So YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll definitely be writing more about this; an entire new post dedicated to this challenge and why I'm even doing it! 5! Mom Had Surgery.....No Biggie My mom had surgery....it's actually kind of private. I thought it was really serious (oh no! surgery) but the operation took less than 10 minutes and it wasn't even life-threatening. It was actually no big deal. Okay then.............. 6! My Japanese Friend Moved......(I'm Sad) So I go to a school that is supposedly in the top 1% of all high schools in the nation. I had a good Japanese friend who was in band with me, same instrument, and she adored Studio Ghibli films as much as I did. She even had a Studio Ghibli piano book; she was amazing. Unfortunately, she had to leave in February to go to Texas. She gave me her email, but then I lost it!! God, I'm such a turd! It wasn't until June that I got her email from another friend who had it. Well, basically I emailed her and she was extremely happy to hear from me. I sent this really really long letter saying how fucked up I was to have lost her email, and that's why I didn't email her back in February. She was totally cool about it, so it's all good. 7! I'm going to write more about stuff; I actually have to post my comic again, so I'll do that now. And I have to write about my masturbation experiment as well as "you know who" (I'm talking to myself.)

Quick Note #3: I Changed My Username!!! (And stuff

Yeah, so my username now is Kaoru16 www.kaoru16.blogspot.com

It's based off the character from Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995 Japanese Anime show featuring 3 psychologically disturbed teenagers battling to save humanity from monsters called "Angels) [PRETTY COOL, HUH?] Anyway, one of the characters is Kaoru Nagisa, who supposedly is very affectionate towards the main character, Shinji Ikari. He's so "affectionate" that there is still a debate whether their relationship was homosexual. Either way, he reminded me of myself since I'm a teen guy who kind of feels as he does (scroll down!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From http://www.onemanga.com/Neon_Genesis_Evangelion/ Excerpt: Chapter 67 (Twisted Night) Okay, so this is pretty deep into the series. However, the basic gist you have to know is that Kaoru rooms with Shinji because they are coworkers, not because of their relationship. They are not friends, and since Kaoru is a bit awkward, it makes it hard for Shinji to like him. However, Kaoru really loves Shinji to the point where it is debated whether he is gay or not. In this scene, something occurs while Kaoru and Shinji are sleeping......................(and btw, they are not sleeping cause they're a couple; they only have one bed in their room.) LATER ON........ CHAPTER 68: Entangled I'm heartbroken...............

Day 27: Starting Over (Father's Day)

Day 27: Starting Over (Father's Day) Just a quick, last minute (11: 50 P.M.) shout-out to all the dads out there. Thanks for being good parents. Um....and thanks to my own dad for being my dad for all my life. Although we've had our up and downs, very deep down I can say that I'm grateful for his prescence in my life. I actually made him breakfast which consisted of peach yogurt, baby carrots, and a plum. He was very happy, so I'm glad. Our family then went to church; the service was okay, assuming it wasn't really all too "religious", but had more to do with Father's Day in general. It was still a good service though, and I especially liked it when my pastor talked about how it was important for a father and son to bond. My pastor's son went on a boat trip around the world for two years. When he came back, his father interviewed him about his experience, but most importantly he wanted to express his deep longing for his son after so many months. I thought it was a very good video, and at the end he gave a small speech. He said that some fathers don't get along with their sons very much, sometimes the father screwed up a child's life, but no matter what they did in the past, it was NEVER too late to rekindle the relationship. It was never too late to start over fresh and begin a relationship from the start again. I think the main thing I got out of that church service was the fact that a good father is one with the right attitude. You know, some fathers start off as drunks and abusers. They hit their kids too hard or beat their wives too much. Or maybe they were too demanding in their children's sports/academics, or maybe just never took their kid out for a baseball game. They spent more time on the computer than they did spending time with their kids. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of things people can do wrong as parents. But no matter how much you fucked up people's lives, what matters is the present. What matters is that right NOW, at this exact fucking moment, you have a right attitude towards your children. Screw everything that happened 10 years ago or a month ago; that time is gone. What matters is that in this moment, you're willing to love your kids. I think that's what matters the most. And I also think that's what keeps some parents from loving their kids. They think they screwed up so much in the past that they won't make shit difference now. But that's was never true. As a dad, all you got to do is start over that relationship that was broken. Just start over, but do it NOW. And if you're relationship is moving, if it's pretty good, well, keep maintaining it. I'm glad I've been talking to my dad again ever since Thursday's incident. Ever since my fight with him, I hadn't been talking to him. At one point, I even thought it would be cool if I didn't talk to him for a full week, just cause it's never happened before. Well, I'm glad the ice was broken. Someone had to shatter the silence between us, and I'm glad it was my dad this time. I'm glad we had a chance to "start over." Thanks for being there for me

Day 26: Spirited Away (BEST MOVIE EVER!!!)

Day 26: Spirited Away (BEST MOVIE EVER!!!) Well, to give a background of the movie, the film is directed by Hayao Miyazaki, a Japanese animation director. He is arguably the best Japanese director, having made movies that are the top-grossing non-U.S. movies worldwide. He is my role model. And i don't really have many, so he's pretty special. Anyways, he's made many other animated movies, which I've also seen such as......... Nausicaa: Valley of the Wind My Neighbor Totoro Castle in the Sky Kiki's Delivery Service Princess Mononoke Spirited Away Grave of the Fireflies (although techniqually not directed by him) ALSO.....(I have not seen) Porco Rosso Howl's Moving Castle Tales from the Earthsea Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea (2009, not in US yet!!!!) Anyways, his movies are absolutely BEAUTIFUL and there not uber fake like those Disney movies. No happily ever afters that are complete bull, no cleanly wrapped endings, no "believe in yourself" theme that Disney animators love to throw into their movies to garner an Oscar. Nope. Miyazaki is just pure animation and narration; he is simply the best. If anything, watch Spirited Away because it has got to be my FAVORITE movie, my other favorites all being his other movies. They are really really good. And by the way, I've seen Spirited Away at least 20 times, which is not an exaggeration. I've literally seen it everyday in Taiwan at my cousin's house, when the outside temperature at noon was above 105 degrees. So yeah.......I've had a lot of time to watch that movie. And it never gets old. Please please please watch it so you can comment on it!!!!! Favorite Scene: I don't want to give out too much of the story, but there is one scene that particularly fascinates me. In fact, it's my favorite animation sequence ever. You know how Walt Disney said that his favorite scene was the transformation of Cinderella's gown? Well, mine is the train ride across the sea. Here is a clip of the scene; it's not in English, cause all the English versions have crappy quality. Dialogue isn't even important though cause there's hardly any conversation. Just pay attention to the animation...it's beautiful. The scene always made me feel happy cause it reminds me of adventure. A young girl, naive, new to the world around her, goes on a journey alone across a vastless ocean. She leaves behind all that was dear to her; her friends, her family. She is a true explorer. I would want my life to be so much like that. To go on a train across a peaceful, trainquil sea on a journey by myself. Unrestrained by society, by my family, by anything ordinary in my life. Sorry if I sound like a typical teen, but hey, that's just me!! Anyways, I hope you LOVE the scene as much as I do. ----------------Here are just some still photos from the scene. I won't give out too much cause you'll just have to see it yourself!!!!!--------

Aren't they just BEAUTIFUL!!!! I'm serious, just stare at ONE, any one of them for a while and let your mind drift. I want to ride a train that crosses the ocean so BAD!!!! Wouldn't that be cool???

Day 25: Kitchen Dishes do NOT evolve

Day 25: Kitchen Dishes do NOT evolve So that whole hitting incident was on Thursday. (Previous entry) On Saturday, I was eating dinner and talking to my sister about evolution. Basically she didn't believe in it and I was telling her there was strong evidence for it through the fossil record, comparitive anatomy/embryology, phylogenetic trees, comparative genetics, blah blah blah..............not important. What was important was that my dad was still uber pissed at me for such a trivial incident on Thursday. Basically he was watching T.V. while me and my sister were discussing, but because he was mad he decided to vent his anger right there. "Oh, so you think you're so smart? Well, why don't you go wash the dishes because those dishes aren't going to evolve." OMG WTF WTF x 10000000000000. First off, I wasn't even proving I was smart; I was only talking. And second, that's got to be the most ludicrous statement ever. So I said, "What does that have to do with evolution?" "GO WASH THOSE DISHES CAUSE THEY'RE NOT GOING TO EVOLVE!!!!!" He was screaming at me and had this piercing look in his eyes. He was about to rip my face off. The frying pan suddenly got from 50 degrees to over 200 in a split second; I didn't even talk to him rudely. He was just trying to get mad for the sake of getting mad. What a fucking loser. And btw, I'm not even joking about our conversation; he literally said that ludicrous statement. Well, since I didn't want to get beat up again, I washed those goddamn dishes, and I even hummed too so it wouldn't look like I was resistant. That would just make his sadistic mind even more happy, so I decided to make myself look happy, or at least make it look like it didn't really bother me. Cause that's what his whole goal was; to make me angry. He was being such a sadistic, evil bastard, and I wasn't gonna let him win. I wasn't gonna let his bitterness get to me. Cause that's what bitter people do. Unlike healthy, reasonable people, BITTER people don't mope for a day (which is fine) and then get on with their lives. No.................... they mope for a week, or a month, or sometimes their whole goddamn lives. And worst of all, they just can't get enough of making others feel their anger and sadness. Their sadists, fucking sadists. Ever see that movie "The Grudge"? Well, it's a terrible terrible movie, but one's things for sure; it definitely epitomizes a bitter person. Some jackass spirit who goes around hating on people cause their mad at the world for their fucked up lives. I would LOVE to put my dad in an African village for a day, or put him in the Gaza Strip for a day. I swear, he'd be a completely different person. Wouldn't spend his days moping around, trying to nag at my every move cause I was he had to wait 1 FUCKING HOUR TO PICK ME UP. Let me get one thing straight that you probably all think is untrue; I don't hate my dad. I'm pissed at him, yes; I'm PISSED that he's getting all worked up about me being late, that he slammed my face against the car window, pissed that even now he hasn't said sorry, pissed that he's finding everything wrong to nag me about. But beside being angry with him, I'm don't hate him. Hate is an action; anger is a feeling. I have every right to be angry, but I won't hate. I'm not gonna turn into a sadist like him; I don't play his game. I'm not gonna start ruining his life, trying to annoy the hell out of him, not gonna do it. Cause (1) I can't cause he'll probably kick me out of the house and (2) most importantly, I'm not gonna become a leech like him, sucking the happiness out of me which brings him some goddamn euphoria. Well, I'm not gonna do that. And I'm not gonna be a leech simply cause I'll eventually turn into one. I'll eventually like hurting him and getting some goddamn euphoria at watching him fall down the stairs or lose the car keys or something, and that's just not right. That's just a fucked up life that isn't even worth living. I'm also tired. Tired of this whole hate process. What's happenin' here and what happens with EVERY suicide is no different. It's all run by a bunch of hateful people. It takes energy to be hateful, so I'm not gonna waste it on yelling at people. I'm gonna stop writing so much and just write another entry concentrating on my favorite movie and my awesome weekend cause this is a silly child's game. I'm not dealing with him anymore........I'll just let time fly by and eventually the fireworks will stop lighting. Anakin Skywalker turns into..............Darth Vadar !!!!! (AHHHH!!!!)

Day 24: Another Suicide at High School.....(Imp!!)

Another Suicide at High School (as of June 2, 2009) So, yet again someone committed suicide in our school today. And this time people weren’t as sad in my first hour class, just cause no one really knew him.

There was this one girl who knew him though, so when she heard that he had died, she started crying very hard. It was awkward to see her, so I just kind of looked away. But, then I thought of something very profound…..what would happen if one of my good friends died?

And then I did something crazy….I actually tried to imagine that my friend died. But what was so fucking messed up with the situation is that I found that I couldn’t cry. I just couldn’t cry. I don’t know if it’s I unconsciously know none of my friends died, or because I’ve lost all emotion.

There was already a suicide this year, and that really got me emotional. But now that it’s happened again….what do I feel?? I’m confused to what I feel…all I know is that I feel awkward. All I feel is that life shouldn’t end this way; the day shouldn’t have started out like this.

What really really got me ticked off though, was when a group of about 6 teens started to make fun of this one kid. They were talking to the teacher about him, how he was this really mean junior in our grade who was always rude (and all this other shit about him.)

Now, I don’t like this particular person either, but I was FURIOUS when I heard them talking about this kid like he was crap. I mean, a kid just died today. Probably cause he was lonely, and scared, and frustrated, probably cause a bunch of people in his life made his life miserable. A bunch of people talked behind his back.

I don’t want another kid committing suicide, no matter how much I dislike him. Truth is, I don’t hate anyone that much that I’d want him dead. I just HATE how much HATRED there is in the school. Hatred is the root of suicide; it prevents us from forgiving others and just loving them. Yeah, so what if this guy is mean? Don’t be mean back, just STOP talking behind his back like he’s dirt, just please don’t. He probably already knows how much people dislike him, so please don’t make him feel more hated.

I want suicide to stop in our school. I want people just to get along with others, to accept others even if they’re different, if they’re mentally ill, if they’re anorexic/fat, if they’re happy/sad, if they’re ugly, if they’re gay. No one’s perfect, so we just all need to accept others. Have we forgotten that we too have flaws? I’ve been listening to “The Name of Life” from the movie Spirited Away. It’s a very melodic, peaceful piano ballad. I listen to it when I’m in deep thought, like right now. Or when I’m very sad, like I am right now. I guess now I can say for certain that I’m sad. Sad that someone died today, sad that a girl knew him and had to cry, sad that we as humans continue this cycle of hatred over and over that ends in nothing but death. Even those who haven’t committed suicide live in a dead world, a place where there is nothing but mean smirks and back-talking and name calling and bullying. JUST STOP!!!!

This morning, I said to my parents that I didn’t want to go to school because there was nothing I could learn. That was partially true (I have many AP classes, so since we finished the AP exam, we do jack shit.), but the other thing was that I just didn’t want to have a bad day. I didn’t want to go to school and be alone in some of my classes, didn’t want to feel the loneliness.

Well, I’m glad I went to school today. If there’s any joy in a day like this, I’m glad that I found out I did not have the worst day today. Someone just lost his life today.

Day 23: My Dad Hit Me Again

(I didn't create this, but I thought it's a good look at a typical abusive parent.)

My Dad Hit Me Again

So I had to stay after school for a stupid NHS officer election meeting. But it only lasted about half an hour, so I called my dad to pick me up around 3:00. He said he couldn't, so I said "Please pick me up in the front of the school at 3:30."

At around 3:40 I went back in and called him again. He said "Oh, traffic is really jammed so I'll probably be there in 5 minutes." So I went outside again and waited for 10 minutes while listening to "Name of Life" from Spirited Away.

I waited........and waited..........the sun was really burning my eyes. Eventually 4:00 rolled around and I still didn't see his car. The sun was really starting to burn, but I stood in full sight on the front steps of my school, waiting for my dad. By 4:20, I went inside to use the school phone. The moment I dialed the number, I heard his voice screaming "Where the hell are you? Where the hell are you? I've been waiting for you for 40 MINUTES!!!" His voice just kept getting louder and louder, I could feel his voice right next to my ear.

M: Um....I've been waiting in the front of the school since 3:40" D: "NO YOU HAVEN'T!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN THERE SINCE 3:30. YOU'RE A LIAR. I'VE BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE THE BACK FOR 40 MINUTES. YOU THINK.........

By then I just hung up, slamming the phone back into the slot and storming the way out of the office (I did thank the custodian very politely though.) It was just the fact that I was FURIOUS that he was so angry at me. I told pick me up in the FRONT of the school 5 fucking times.............three times the previous night and two times today.

The reason he fucking forgets is because he's a damn sloth and sleeps too much. It just amazes me how lazy he was not to just use his CAR and drive to the front to look for me. So of course I have to walk to the back of the school. I see his car and as I approach it he bellows at me, "HURRY UP!" I open the back car door and get in, but then he screams at me, "SIT IN THE FRONT!!!" He then does something he used to do to me a lot when I was younger. He hits me. And not just a tap or small punch to the shoulder. He really hits me......slams his fist against my head. I'm already closed off; my insides, however, are fuming hot steam. He continues his conversation "WHERE WERE YOU? I WAITED IN THE BACK FOR 1 HOUR! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"

M: "I was in the front of the school." D: " "NO YOU WEREN'T." Slams his hand against my face this time. I hit the window. M: Speechless....don't want to get hit again D: "YOU WERE NOT IN THE FRONT. I CHECKED THERE TWICE SINCE 3:30 AND I NEVER SAW YOU." M: "Well, what times did you check?" My voice is slowly rising. D: "AT 4:00 AND 4:15. YOU WERE NOT THERE!!!" M: "Well I was there since 3:30 waiting on the front steps." And this was the absolute truth; I was melting my face off in the summer sun, waiting in plain site of the stairs of my school. He should've saw me. D: "YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!" Slaps me again, hard. M: "Please stop hitting me." And of course, he hits me again, this time the hardest.

For the next 5 minutes I say nothing to him, and he just mouths on about how he had to wait forever on me, how I "wasn't in the front" (repeated at least 10 times), how much of a liar I was, and how I just had to admit I was talking to my friend.

Aside from the recurring phyical abuse, that's one thing I hate about my dad. If he's right, then you must be wrong and admit some ridiculous accusation to appease him. "Oh, you're a liar. You MUST have been talking to your friends. Just admit it." If you don't admit it, he'll keep screaming or hit you. He's the exact equivalent of a torturer; if you don't give them the info they want, they'll hurt you. It's just very sad that he has to resort to hitting his children because he's mad. Because poor him had to wait for SO LONG, and the only way to make good out of this situation is to scream and get angry and slam people against fucking car windows.

Eventually it cooled down; the awkward and angry silence took over. When we got back to the house, I said "Thanks for driving me home" in the most weak voice ever to shame him for his actions. I got out, and while I was walking behind him he entered the house first and slammed the door as hard as he could behind him. What an ass.

I'm in my room now typing this story. I was originally going to get my permit today, after he picked me up from school, but now I can't even look at him, let alone get in the same car as him. He's a rotten bastard who should learn to think through what he committed to, and not sleep like a fucking cat and learn to listen better. Just a few minutes ago, he asked me if I wanted to go to get my permit. His tone was a lot different.......barely any anger, kind of just plain. Probably cause he realized how crappy of a father he was. We've had these problems before, and one time it got so bad I said I didn't want him as a father anymore. That I didn't need him as a father because he was just a jackass (that's what I said) and that he could never be a good father. I was almost going to mention the fact that mom almost left him because he's such a jerk, but I thought that'd be way way tooo harsh. But yeah, I can tell he kind of feels bad for what he's done. Which in NOOOOOOOO way means it's okay now. No. He never learns. He never learns that you can't just scream at his children and hit them. He needs to handle situations calmly without using so much agression and physical abuse. Would it kill him to just ask me what actually happened and work things out, without using accusations in every sentence?? I'm pissed right now........and my moral senses are tingling right now. But this is not meant to be a moral debate; I know what I must eventually do for my dad, and for this situation. I only wanted to document my experience with domestic abuse and all the crappy emotions that followed with it. And because I hope I look back on this and remember not to be the father that my own dad was to me. P.S. My alternate diary has been confirmed as Rikkuit_Teen

Quick Note #2: I'll Be Having An Alternate Diary

Quick Note #2: I'll Be Having An Alternate Diary So, I recently decided that my username is somewhat of a double-edged sword. On one end, I feel that it can seem more attractive to people who like/relate to GBLT people. However, on the other end, I also feel that it can detract others from reading my diary. And I realized that MOST of the people reading this diary are GBLT, which by no means is bad!!! I don't mean it that way; it's just that I don't want to be secluded in this "bubble" of sexuality only. Sorry if I sound very hypocritical; after all, my profile does say "most of my entries will relate to my sexuality." It's just that a LOT about me doesn't have to do too much about my gay feelings because I'm closeted, and because I'm a teenager!! Hence the second part of my username~! I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say. I am NOT writing different entries in the other blog. I am NOT switching to that diary. Instead, I am merely transferring my entire diary onto another account as to avoid neglect/baisness stemming from my username. I'll still post primarily in this diary. Nothing will change, so sorry if I confused some of you. I just want to copy my entries onto a new account as to not alienate some readers into thinking that there's nothing more to me than my gayness. And because I want others to realize that you can still be gay and still be a "teen" and not some sort of freak. -Thanks for understanding ALTERNATE OPENDIARY ACCOUNT: Rikkuit_Teen http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D796370

Day 22c: I Am Victorious in the Sunset

Day 22c: I Am Victorious in the Sunset

So, every weekend or so I go excercising. Either by running for a good 20-30 minutes straight or by bike-riding. Well, today I decided to go bikeriding after dinner around twilight and it was BEAUTIFUL outside. Twilight is my favorite part of day, so seeing the red/orange/blue all swirling in the sky made me give a genuine smile. I was really happy to be biking. Well, unfortunately I made the tragic mistake of biking towards the lake 5 minutes from my house, cause I literally biked through a wall of flying insects. They were the tiniest little bugs in the air that ended up hitting me in the face for nearly 2 minutes straight. By the time I got out of this hell-hole, I kid you not, I had a coat of flying bugs on my sweatshirt. To say the least, I did NOT want to bike down by the lake path, so I stopped at the nearby park which wasn't really surrounded by grass so there weren't as many bugs. And so I went to the park and sat down on one of the benches, and I just decided to sit and look at the sunset. And I spent a good minute just staring. Letting my eyes wander around the swirly reddish-pink clouds or the winding yellow streaks. And it reminded me of God. It reminded me of how I used to be before this year, and I suddenly became extremely ashamed. So yeah, sorry I never mentioned I was Christian, but I just couldn't deal with writing about my faith on this site. I'm sorry if you've been reading this for so long and just assumed I wasn't religious, but I am. To make a VERY VERY long story short, I grew up as a very strong Christian. Read my bible, highlighted it, made notecards for bible verses and memorized them, prayed every morning and night, thanked God for my life and his grace for dieing on the cross, volunteered as a worker in church, went to EVERY sermon on Sunday. Yep, I was living for Jesus. But then something went very very wrong. In 8th grade, I had my first gay crush. And about a year later, I actually acknowledged my feelings for guys, which TORE ME APART. I literally felt torn apart because I spent the next 3 YEARS condemning myself for my homosexual thoughts. I remember everytime I masturbated to a guy, or whenever I dreamdt about just hugging another man, I would be so ashamed. I was beg God for forgiveness, beg for 5 minutres straight, just lieing in bed saying all these prayers about how sorry I was. I was very confused as you can tell......... I soon came to loathe my feelings, and myself for being such a homosexual. I was convinced I could change, and I asked God to change me. You can laugh at this; I even masturbated to naked woman, trying to get off to them cause I thought if I orgasmed, my brain would naturally start being attracted to woman. It also took me a LOT LONGER to ejaculate, lol. But, it was one of my many attempts to rid me of my sin, or my attraction for men. It wasn't until January that I accepted myself for who I was. Over the last year, I spent long weekends looking up help online from various Christian groups telling me their opinions on homosexuality. And I was sure to get unbiased sources because my religion really mattered to me. Some groups believed that God calls homosexuality a sin, others believed only homosexual acts were a sin, and still others believed that similar to how woman's rights verses and slavery verses no longer apply due to cultural strains, similarly homosexuality is not considered a sin. I came to accept that homosexuality was NOT a sin, although adultery/lust was still a sin. (I WILL EXPLAIN MY REASONING LATER; THAT IN ITSELF IS A WHOLE OTHER ENTRY!!!!) In my view, if I thought a girl looked cute, that wouldn't be sinful, so neither should it be when I looked at a cute guy. But, in the same manner, it would be sinful to look at a girl lustfully (like I imagine her naked and fuck her or something dirty like that), so looking at a guy lustfully was also wrong. In this way, I was sure not to abandon my religion completely; I just couldn't keep shaming myself for something that was natural to me. --------------------------------------- Back to the Sunset ------------------------------------------ Well, after I accepted myself, I felt really really great. In fact, so great that I almost abandoned religion altogether. I think cause I was so tired of being so ashamed of myself, I felt like I needed a "break" from God. (And I know, religious people, that this may sound completely wrong and sinful, but please simply understand me and not judge me.) It was up to the point where I left God as the doll in the back of my closet. I stopped reading the Bible for a long time, right now as I'm typing this I can hardly remember 5 Bible verses, I stopped caring so much about pleasing God, no longer felt shame for gay porn, oddly enough. Yeah, I drifted very very far from God. But, at the sunset I felt something prompt me to sit down and just look at the sunset. And the beauty of the colors in the sky was enough to remind me of him. And it brought back a flood of memories. And then by sheer intuition, I got out my mp3 and I said to myself "I need to hear 'Amazing Grace'." And so I played it, and I remembered God's love for me. I remembered all the things I went through, how I came to conclusion by reason that God was real, that he loved me, that it wasn't just my parents who raised me Christian, and that I had a purpose in life. And then I listened to the song, forgetting everything around me and just listening to the lyrics. It was hard to remember them, but I replayed the song over and over until I grasped the concept of grace. And then I remembered the fruit of the spirit, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control" and oddly enough, I basically thought about all the antonyms of each word...."hate, sadness, frustration, impatience, meanness, harshness, impious, evil, and out-of-control. And I thought how I was 5 years ago and how religious I once was, and then I thought of myself in terms of everything opposite of these good values. It made me sad to see how weak I was, how I spent a lot of my time trying to impress people that didn't even matter, when in reality all I should've tried to impress was God. And so after that, I just spent the next twenty minutes dwelling on how Jesus's life was full of those fruit. Basically, I found that.... Love: Jesus loved me enough to die for my sin, and that he offers me a resting place beyond this broken world. Joy: Jesus was ultimately happy in life, because he knew he had something special and meaningful planned in his life, and that he would soon see eternal bliss, which is enough to make anyone happy. Peace: He knew that all his troubles would soon come to an end in the afterlife. "This too shall pass." Patience: Jesus was always waiting for a brighter day; he was always hopeful of the final destination that would bring an end to all his pain. Kindness: Jesus showed kindness to the people around him, healing the sick and feeding those who were extremely hungry. He did this because it was his nature; to help others. Gentleness: Jesus was gentle to people because everyone is different in philosophy. Not everyone has the same morals and standards as you, so you must be gentle and not come with warfare. Faithfulness: Jesus was faithful to God, obeying him, and God in turn promised him to do everything good. Goodness: I guess this is just a personification of deity vs. the devil, where evil is always trying to destroy people, and goodness is just the notion that you want to help others. It's like when people refer to others who have a "good heart"; they like helping others. Self-Control: This is a tough issue for me, since I struggle a bit with porn. But Jesus had self-control not only sexually but physically. He could abstain from wanting things, from trying to be great, from living a life building up his fame. He was always controlling himself. So yeah, I spent 20 minutes just listing off the fruit of the Spirit and thinking of ways I could live this life, this life I once adhered to so diligently. I'm ashamed that I lost God from my life because I was so scared, when in reality God still loves me and has a good plan for me. And I'm sorry I let my homosexuality get me so carried away, sorry for being so happy about feeling "freed" from religion's bashing when in truth, no one was bashing me. God loves me even if I'm gay, because there is nothing wrong with liking guys rather than girls. Doesn't make you less loving, less happy, less patient, or gentle, or faithful, or good, or less controlling of your life. Stealing shows how you are less kind to others, rape can show how uncontrolling and mean you are, jealousy can show how unkind and how evil your heart can be, but being gay does not hinder ANYTHING. And I will no longer live my life fearing that I'll go to hell for liking guys, cause I still love God. I spent the next half hour thinking of my career plans, since just 2 hours ago my parents were asking me what I wanted to study. And since I grew just a whole lot closer to God, I figured that it was a good time to have one of those intense life reflection sessions. So I initially decided that it MUST be a job that I help other people who are much more unfortunate than me, and not just a job where I help myself. So I was in debate over being a doctor or being an environmental engineer. And I finally came to the conclusion that I want to be an environmental engineer because I can help poor people with civic projects such as basic water sanitation and things like that and still enjoy my job. The thing is, I took AP Biology and I HATED it; I could NEVER spend 8 years of my education learning that stuff just to be a doctor. Sure it's a noble job where I'll definitely safe people's lives, but I figure that God would most want me to go down the other path because I enjoy it so much more. So yeah, all that happened during the twilight hours of my solitude at the park. I just really hope that I rekindle my faith again; start reading the Bible again and reading verse cards, because those really helped me through the hardships in my life. It was only when the issue of homosexuality came up that I couldn't find God to turn to. But now, with that out of the way, I know that God loves me more than ever and that I'm here for him with open arms.