Quick Note #3: I Changed My Username!!! (And stuff

Yeah, so my username now is Kaoru16 www.kaoru16.blogspot.com

It's based off the character from Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995 Japanese Anime show featuring 3 psychologically disturbed teenagers battling to save humanity from monsters called "Angels) [PRETTY COOL, HUH?] Anyway, one of the characters is Kaoru Nagisa, who supposedly is very affectionate towards the main character, Shinji Ikari. He's so "affectionate" that there is still a debate whether their relationship was homosexual. Either way, he reminded me of myself since I'm a teen guy who kind of feels as he does (scroll down!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From http://www.onemanga.com/Neon_Genesis_Evangelion/ Excerpt: Chapter 67 (Twisted Night) Okay, so this is pretty deep into the series. However, the basic gist you have to know is that Kaoru rooms with Shinji because they are coworkers, not because of their relationship. They are not friends, and since Kaoru is a bit awkward, it makes it hard for Shinji to like him. However, Kaoru really loves Shinji to the point where it is debated whether he is gay or not. In this scene, something occurs while Kaoru and Shinji are sleeping......................(and btw, they are not sleeping cause they're a couple; they only have one bed in their room.) LATER ON........ CHAPTER 68: Entangled I'm heartbroken...............

Day 18: CK And Me (Coming Out)

So guess what happened?????? Well......let's zoom back to Thursday. After school, while I was going back home on my school's activity bus, I bumped into a so-called friend, nicknamed "CK". He was basically my lab partner for my chemistry class last year; let me describe him. CK: I've known him since 3rd grade when we were always put in the advanced math classroom along with around 10 kids from our grade. He was always the trouble maker, the one to get kicked out of class. I was the reserved quiet kid who was always polite. Coincidentally, we didn't really get to know each other. He was also kind of mean for a kid, got into fights a lot. So I really didn't get to know him too well cause our personalities were polar opposites. Well, in sixth grade we were put in the same classroom, and his personality kind of went downhill from there. He was always extremely rude, saying a bunch of embarressing things in front of people to make them look bad, and a lot of ppl mocked him in return. I also didn't really like him that much. That year, I kind of lost any interest in getting to know him and mainly tried to avoid him. The NEXT time I bumped into him was sophomore year (10th) grade in our chem class. I was his chem partner for the ENTIRE YEAR, meaning 2 hours with him. At first, I thought he had changed cause it'd been 3 years. Well..............no. (So much for hopeful thinking.) All the people around us didn't like him cause he was extremely rude and annoying, and ppl would always whisper to me things like "I feel so sorry for you." Yeah, it was bad. I actually kind of hated that class because of him cause he was always really mean to me for reasons I don't know. Yet, he really didn't have too many close friends, so whenever we were on the bus he'd always sit by me and talk about his personal life. As I got to know him, I found out he had a pretty shitty life. Like, his dad was physically abusive and often beat him up. He'd chase CK up the stairs and bang on his door when he locked it; it was really sad. And his mom couldn't really watch him too much cause he had four other younger siblings. On top of that, his parents said they couldn't really pay for his college, so he spends a lot of time working at the grocery store (probably on minimum wage cause he's a student) to pay for his education. From then on I wasn't so distasteful of him anymore, cause I really did feel sorry for him. He pretty much had a shitty family and a insecure home with little support for his education. Eventually, my whole perspective changed and I tried to be nicer to him cause I knew he had a rough life. So eventually our chem class came to a finish, (he still hadn't changed personality-wise), but I came to accept his rather uncomfortable presence. Zoom back now to Thursday, the activity bus. CK and I. Quite honestly, I really didn't want to talk to him too much, cause I didn't know what to say to him. Like asking him "How's your depressing life going?" wouldn't be too helpful, so I thought it'd be best to just leave him be. But nonetheless he kind of barged his way towards me on the bus and started talking to me. Asking me how I was, how was life, the usual talk. I was responsive, I'm not a rude person, but I tried to keep the talk not too personal. Anyways, soon the talk waned down until we started saying words every minute or so (I hate when that happens!) until finally he kind of just blurted out........ CK: You know, last year, when I said I had a secret? Me: (looks to the upper right as if I'm thinking) um......yeah? CK: Remember how you always wanted to know and I never told you? Me: Um.....yeah...kind of.... CK: Well do you want to know what it was? Me: Sure CK: Well, it's that I was gay.... *****Now, as soon as I heard the word "gay" my heart soared to like 200 bpm. I had never heard someone else admit them gay to me (mostly cause I'm not stereotypically gay.) But, yeah, it was nerve-wreaking to hear him say that to me. Especially cause I'm gay too!!!! It was crazy.....but then reality came in. DAMN DAMN DAMN reality. I hate it. Cause in my ideal world, I would have long ago come out as well. But since most of my friends are straight and slightly homophobic (using gay as an adjective for stupid) and my parents and siblings are uber anti-homo, I had to LIE that I was straight. I had to supress all the adrenaline going through me. Eventually, I said..... Me: (Long Pause) Oh, that's cool. CK: Yeah, just thought I'd let you know. ***And then began this long conversation of how he knew he was gay**** Me: That's strange.....I thought your big secret was something.....different CK: Yeah, like what? Me: Like about your family or something like that. It's just that I never would have suspected you're gay. CK: Oh, well, I know I don't fit the stereotype. But, yeah, I have a boyfriend. Me: Oh.... (Long Pause) So who is he? CK: **************** Me: So am I the only one who knows? CK: No....I try to tell a lot of people Me: Are u sure that's safe? CK: Well, I don't just tell anyone Me: True CK: Hey, u wanna hear another secret? Me: (Long Pause) Sure CK: Well, last year, in chem class, I had a crush on you. *** "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG" I was soooooo nervous right there. Cause he had NO idea I was also gay! And the fact that no other guy has admitted they had a crush on me before. To be honest, even though I didn't find him attractive, I was extremely flattered. But, again DAMN DAMN DAMN reality had to come in and I had to play it cool. Me: Oh, really? CK: Yeah, I thought you were pretty cute. Me: (Smiles a bit and chuckles) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Anyways, the conversation went on for another 20 minutes about him explaining his sexuality, how he knew since 6th grade, blah blah blah..... and me, a closeted gay, listening to him and pretending I was straight. Now I can't stop thinking about him!!!! Not cause he's now suddenly attractive or that I want to date him, but because he came out. I've NEVER heard of an openly gay person in our school before; he's the first person to come out to me. And I just thought how wonderful he must feel after pretending to like girls his whole life. Cause he too was pretty closeted, always mentioning what kind of girls he thought were hot. I can't stop thinking about that one phrase "Well, it's that I'm gay." It really hit me hard to know that there actually were gay people in the world. I mean, of course you know there are gay people, from newspapers and medical reports and celibrity gossip, but to actually personally know someone is rare.

Day 17b: Does your Heart cry from loving someone?

Day 17b: Does Your Heart cry from loving someone? You sitting at a distant table, watching the guy who sits several tables down. He immediately catches your attention with his gleamy hair and dreamy face. Your heart gently beats and your mind lands gently in calm peace as you stare at his beautiful green eyes. Suddenly, he smiles, and though he doesn't look at you, your heart suddenly bursts with excitement. You long for him to walk this way and cuddle you in his arms. For the next fifteen minutes, you try to maintain focus on what you came here to do: finish your work. The book opens and you read instensly the lines your English teacher assigned you. Yet, every minute or so your mind drifts back into that calm peace, where your heart was feeling lighthearted and happy. The man's image has entranced your heart, and you once again long for him to come over and hug you. You wish he could show his beautiful smile once more at you, or at least look at you with his beautiful eyes. Suddenly, he gets up, and you see him exit through those wooden doors, completely oblivious to your existence. He does not know the deep love you have in your heart, and now he is gone forever. Hours go by, and as you eat your turkey salad for lunch, you once again think of the man who smiled with such a cute face and such a handsome figure. And so once more, you fantasize about the fantasy love you guys would posess, whether it be a small kiss or a walk on the beach. And now weeks later, he has fully captured you. Your mind is set on finding that man, and even when you are about to sleep, you lie in bed and think about him. Tall, rigid square face, strong-muscled lover. He is there in your dreams and forever in your heart as you two kiss in sweet happiness. But then reality hits you. And when I say "hits you", I mean it slams a knife through your skull. Cause then you start to think RATIONALLY, and you realize how that man never knew you existed no matter how much you loved him. No matter how much you dreamdt of him kissing you or holding you in bed, his reality and your reality are but the same; you are seperate. The love is non-existent and all in the head. And all you have been doing these past weeks is filling your head with the idea of a false love that was never true. It was all in the mind. ( Now, understand that I'm gay, so if you're a male or a lesbian, sorry if this story didn't really "connect" with you. Instead, I prefer you imagine a female instead. ) My Personal Experience...........I Love You, Andy Yeah, so to be honest, this hasn't happened a lot with me. Usually when I get a crush, it lasts for a couple of days, and then I realize that it's never gonna work out and my heart just lets it go. I simply accept the fact that I can't like the other person, and my heart simply stops longing for the other guy. Furthermore, whenever I do have the crush, I rarely constantly think about the other person. I usually only feel "lighthearted" when I see him in person. So, for the most part, this doesn't really happen to me...... until now. Like I said, this is a continuation of the "Day 17: Ups and Downs" blog. I've had a crush on this guy named "Andy" and it hasn't gone away! I've been thinking about him all the time; like last night, I couldn't go to sleep for an hour because I just thought of his handsome face. And as I lay there on the bed, all I could think about was him holding me really tight like we were a couple. I know I love him; I can feel that "feeling" you get whenever you fall for someone. The problem is, though, is that whenever rationale pops up, I realize it's all in my head, just like the scenario above. He has NO clue I like him cause I don't offer any clues. And whenever I see him in class, I never look him in the eyes because I'm too nervous. (Note: I want to reiterate the fact that I don't assume every guy I get a crush on is gay. Usually my gaydar (high voice, lisp, walking patterns, etc.) can tell me if someone's more likely to be gay, and so far most of my crushes are stereotypically straight. ) NOW, here's the dillemma: Andy is the first guy who I feel could be gay; he has a bunch of small mannerisms, although minor, which raise a few suspicions. And he sometimes stares at me (and no I don't think that just cause I'm in love with him.) But, here's the deal: since he might be gay, I have two options... 1. I can just live out these fantasies in my head until they soon pass away eventually.....This means not confronting Andy about my feelings towards him. 2. I can boldly confront him about my feelings for him. The problem with this, though, is that I really don't know him that well, and I really have no way of asking him "Are you gay?" in any subtle manner. Yet, I really like him and it's killing me!! Conclusion: Which Path Should I Take? I really really need advice to which path I should take. Cause in path 1, I can just wait in time for another person who I'm more sure of. Or at least wait until I'm out of high school to start a relationship, which would be much more safe. Or path 2, where I can actually live out my heart's desires. If you could tell me what path to take or want to share your story, please comment!!!!!!!!

Day 17: Ups and Downs of March 6 for typical teenager

Day 17: Ups and Downs of March 6 for typical teenager UPS So my day started out great cause I got enough sleep (meaning 7 hours), which I barely ever get. I was feeling really really great. Then I went to school and in 3rd period, I was discussing with my friend about some plans over the weekend...btw, I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but 3rd period (Calculus) is my favorite class cause my teacher is about the nicest person ever. Time to blog about him... 3rd-Period Teacher So if there was ever a senior survey asking me who my "Most Influential Teacher" would be, it would definitely be this guy. Not only is he good at teaching, but he's incredibly kind-hearted. I'm not the typical teacher's pet kind of guy, nor am I well-liked by many of my teachers. Most high school teachers are in fact very neutral towards their students without getting into their affairs. I remember in elementary school where my teachers were always very friendly toward me. But now, they aren't that much...Idk. Anywhoo, my math teacher is about the nicest teacher I've ever had. He is always very polite towards you and actually looks at you when you talk to him (unlike my jackass band teacher) Yeah, but seriously, he's always there to help you with your homework and stuff and I guess what I really see in him is that he WANTS HIS STUDENTS TO LEARN!!! I don't know if I'm just crazy, but I feel as though there are two types of teachers. There are the teachers who care more about money than students, and then there are those who care about students more. My bio teacher is a classic example: although she isn't cold-hearted, she rarely tries to help a student out if they're struggling. And if you ask her a question, she gives the most brief explanation ever. It's annoying. I think I've been so accustomed to these kind of teachers for soo long that I'm now very happy to have my math teacher. He's a good teacher who has a good heart. And he has that vibe of being a "good person" if you know what I mean. It's just that feeling that you know someone is a nice, good person. Idk....maybe I'm crazy. -------------------------- Sorry to rant so long, but I really wanted to type about him because he's a person worth remembering in life. A lot of my mediocre and mean teachers are not worth remembering, but this one is. He's very special to me. To continue on my UPS..... No one in my family majorly pissed me off today. This is a huge plus since I don't get along with my family very much, so yay! I'm also happy cause I got to play my friend in Super Smash Brawl and I beat him 80% of the time.....(sorry for being such a geek.) He's a nice friend as well. I'm happy to see him.... DOWNS Remember "Andy", the guy I said I really liked? Tall handsome Caucasian guy? Ok, just to explain something so we're not on the wrong page, I don't suspect everyone I have a crush on is gay. I honestly don't just crush on some guy and think "oh he might be gay." Cause most of the time my "gaydar" (like high voice, gay lisp, walking pattern, etc) can usually rule out most guys as straight. Here's the note though: Andy's the first guy I feel as though might be gay. And I'm not just saying that cause I have a crush on him; he just has a lot of "hints" which are not major, but still suspicious. And to top it off, he's really really CUTE. And I'm sorry if you're straight and you feel awkward, I'm sorry. But, he really is extremely cute. And I wanted to note him particularly because he's my longest standing crush. I've had a crush on him for about 3 months, which is a long time for me. And I can't stop thinking about him! It's sooo unhealthy! It's not good for me to be lying in bed thinking about.... never mind. I think I'll just write more about this in the next blog....

Day 16: My Two Favorite Songs...

Day 16: My Two Favorite Songs.... Well, my two favorite songs (as of right now) are very meaningful to me, cause I listen to them when I'm sad. They kind of sooth me whenever I'm lonely or mad about something in life, or if I'm struggling that day. So here they are.... Julia/Eyes On Me This is actually a piece of music, but it sounds really nice and I like it a lot. It has a romantic side to it that really attracted me to the piece, and I always think of being with a "special someone" whenever I hear this song. Yeah, I'm so pitiful..... Anyways,.......I've provided a link for both tunes. They are identical, except Julia is slower and shorter, while Eyes on Me is slightly longer. Both are extremely good! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAQqxUsXWqQ (Julia) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYzifR67NJs (Eyes On Me) Blackbird Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh You were only waiting for this moment to arise ---------------------------------------------------------------- I like "Julia" because it means a lot to me since I'm obsessed with Final Fantasy, and the fact that it has a romantic underline to it. It's also very peaceful to listen to. As for "Blackbird", I remember listening to it everyday on the bus to school for about 2 months. I could not get it out of my head even though it's such a simple song. I think it's cause the lyrics were so good that I was able to play it over and over in my head. You know how pop songs kind of "fade' cause once their good tune has been overplayed, it sounds boring? Well, that's cause the lyrics were so-so/bad, so you didn't have something to ponder about. WELL, Blackbird not only has a good melody, but the lyrics are pretty good. I enjoy listening to this a lot. Let me know what you think of the songs!

Day 15: I Wish I Had This Book!

So I suddenly had this memory of my childhood days (good times) when I was sitting in 1st grade reading "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. And now I really want that book, cause I realized it was such a good book!! And yes I am 16 years old, but that book is still readable by any age. That's what I like about children's books; they can be read by anyone without it having to be too philosophical or whatever. Not to say that "deep thinking" is bad, but it's nice to read a nice "simple" book once in a while. I found a youtube link to it, but I don't know if it's perfect. Oh well....I just thought I'd share it with you since I really had nothing exciting happening over the weekend worth typing about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zupqg3n0d7k

Day 14: I Hate Heterosexuals? WTF?

Day 14: I Hate Heterosexuals?? WTF? So, yeah, I actually wouldn't have written this entry, but since nothing interesting happened today, I guess I'll just write about it now. ------------------ I've been getting notes where people seem to get really offended by what I say, and some people are even leaving me links to porn sites!!! AHHHHH!!!@#!@#! But, yeah, apparently I've been getting notes like.... "The issue is not where you are supposed to be some kind of spokesperson or not. The issue is that you are laying a lot of hate at the feet of heterosexuals while saying "Don't hate me because I'm gay". The issue is attitude. Prejudice works both ways, kid. " I love it when people distort your whole view: as if I really ever did say "Don't hate me because I'm gay." All I said ( in case you didn't read) was that I don't want anyone to be disappointed in looking towards my life. That's all I meant, hence the title "I'm here, just me and no one else." AHHHHHH!!!!! How would this be promoting prejudice? Am I telling gay people to hate heterosexuals? In any of my writing, am I encouraging something as strong as hate against other people? So yeah, someone needs to get their brain checked. And something as ludicrous as I'm "laying a lot of hate at the feet of heterosexuals" is just bullshit. And to the people who've been reading my entries, they would know I have nothing against them. But, seriously, I really don't hate heterosexuals. Most of my friends are straight and most of my idols in life are straight. And it's not like I have anything against them: the only thing I said was that in our society, heterosexuals are not fully accepting of gays. That's about all I said, and even that statement is pretty unbiased cause it's true. People fail to realize that in some countries, homosexuality is punishable by death, so yeah to all those people who said "Gays are actually very accepted in society." Umm........no. Not unless you live in San Francisco or some big metropolitan area. There are still a lot of conservative people out there who disapprove of our lifestyle. My point is, though, is that I don't hate them. I really really don't. All I stated was that in a society it is hard to gain acceptance, a statement that is pretty true. And if someone wants to leave me a note, please at least make it honest, cause I like a good reputation just like any other person who takes time to start a diary. BTW, it seems all the nasty comments are left by unsigned users......how funny......which makes me wonder: do any of you disable the "unsigned notes"? Cause all I've been getting are extremely rude or sexual-charged notes left by a bunch of ppl I can't reply to. And I don't want to block out any person who isn't on opendiary and honestly just wants to leave me a note. But, it seems there are a lot of negativities coming from unsigned notes.......Idk But This Reminds Me... Yet the person who left this note was really funny because he/she reminded me of the end of the Animaniacs clip, where at the end, the line goes "The next president to lead the way well it just might be yourself one day then the press will distort everything you say so jump in your plane and fly away!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvy0wRLD5s8 It's really funny and you should watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_ZvVUHoNYU

Day 12: Evangelion Quote (show about depressed teens)

Evangelion: "Hideaki Anno, the director of the anime series, suffered from clinical depression prior to creating the series, and the psychological aspects of the show are based on the director's own experiences with overcoming this illness. " -wikipedia.org Yeah, it's a great show. Check it out on youtube or something; it will change your life. I liked it a lot cause it's now your silly Disney Channel "peachy-clean" type of show. And it's not all wrapped up in the end like most 1-hr Fox shows end up. I liked it cause it showed life as it is: sad, lonely, and not always happy. And I know that sounds depressing, but yeah, the director was depressed when he directed this. The show's three teens are also my profile's picture. ---------- What Do You Think of this Quote?---------------- I usually don't do this, but because it's such a great quote from such a great person, I thought it was worth sharing. (I've also repeated it in my previous blog) Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion

To me, it means that as long as you live, you decide what kind of world you want to live in. You can dwell in sadness at all the pain in the world, or you can better yet dwell in happiness, noting that the world still stays the same. The only thing that's changed is your "paradise", which all begins in the mind. Maybe I'm just stupid or something, but that's what I got out of it.

WHAT ARE YOUR GUYS' OPINIONS? Comment below....

Day 11: (Part III) I Don't Blame Anyone

I don't blame anyone for trying to kill myself, and I realized that this is the best way to live. And I say this because I know that the majority of people who killed themselves did it out of anger towards another person. I don't want that to be me. Therefore, I don't blame my mom for my unhappiness. Although I do agree what she said was completely destructive, I don't blame her for my choice of attitude. My mother is not to blame for my sorrow; I chose to be sad myself. I chose to look at my lack of relationships, my dwindling friend relationships, my persona, all in a negative light, and ultimately it is my fault for my attitude. And right now as you're reading this, and especially if your going through a "tough time" right now, I know this message won't come off as nice because it's completely self-condemning, but it's true. I know for a fact that this is true; no one is to blame for your unhappiness because you choose your attitude by looking at the things around you. As soon as you realize this, you release the power you think other people have on your life. No longer will you mope about how depressed your mother makes you feel, rather you will see that you had the power all along to be whatever you wanted. -------------- Lesson 1: Choose to Live No matter how much shit life throws at you, it's up to you to be happy. No one else can choose how you're gonna live your life for you; not your bitchy sister or your fucked-up friends. They may cause you sorrow and reason to cry, but you have to be strong and live. Choose to go on living the same as you were before; happy and carefree. The quote below is from one of my favorite shows and was created by a man who went through severe depression while drawing out the episodes. Most of the show has to do with depression and anger, which is why it's one of my favorite shows. He is the quote that reflects the final part of the movie... Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion

Quick Note #1: I Have an Opendiary Account

Yep, all my notes are on opendiary.com too, so feel free to be-friend me (yay) if you have an account there. http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D788532 , ~WOOOOO!!!!