Day 12: Evangelion Quote (show about depressed teens)

Evangelion: "Hideaki Anno, the director of the anime series, suffered from clinical depression prior to creating the series, and the psychological aspects of the show are based on the director's own experiences with overcoming this illness. " -wikipedia.org Yeah, it's a great show. Check it out on youtube or something; it will change your life. I liked it a lot cause it's now your silly Disney Channel "peachy-clean" type of show. And it's not all wrapped up in the end like most 1-hr Fox shows end up. I liked it cause it showed life as it is: sad, lonely, and not always happy. And I know that sounds depressing, but yeah, the director was depressed when he directed this. The show's three teens are also my profile's picture. ---------- What Do You Think of this Quote?---------------- I usually don't do this, but because it's such a great quote from such a great person, I thought it was worth sharing. (I've also repeated it in my previous blog) Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion

To me, it means that as long as you live, you decide what kind of world you want to live in. You can dwell in sadness at all the pain in the world, or you can better yet dwell in happiness, noting that the world still stays the same. The only thing that's changed is your "paradise", which all begins in the mind. Maybe I'm just stupid or something, but that's what I got out of it.

WHAT ARE YOUR GUYS' OPINIONS? Comment below....

Day 11: (Part III) I Don't Blame Anyone

I don't blame anyone for trying to kill myself, and I realized that this is the best way to live. And I say this because I know that the majority of people who killed themselves did it out of anger towards another person. I don't want that to be me. Therefore, I don't blame my mom for my unhappiness. Although I do agree what she said was completely destructive, I don't blame her for my choice of attitude. My mother is not to blame for my sorrow; I chose to be sad myself. I chose to look at my lack of relationships, my dwindling friend relationships, my persona, all in a negative light, and ultimately it is my fault for my attitude. And right now as you're reading this, and especially if your going through a "tough time" right now, I know this message won't come off as nice because it's completely self-condemning, but it's true. I know for a fact that this is true; no one is to blame for your unhappiness because you choose your attitude by looking at the things around you. As soon as you realize this, you release the power you think other people have on your life. No longer will you mope about how depressed your mother makes you feel, rather you will see that you had the power all along to be whatever you wanted. -------------- Lesson 1: Choose to Live No matter how much shit life throws at you, it's up to you to be happy. No one else can choose how you're gonna live your life for you; not your bitchy sister or your fucked-up friends. They may cause you sorrow and reason to cry, but you have to be strong and live. Choose to go on living the same as you were before; happy and carefree. The quote below is from one of my favorite shows and was created by a man who went through severe depression while drawing out the episodes. Most of the show has to do with depression and anger, which is why it's one of my favorite shows. He is the quote that reflects the final part of the movie... Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion

Day 11: (Part II) Will to Live

Will to Live The moment I walked back into that house, I realized that I had made the most important decision of my life. Now that I am older and wiser, I realize that suicide is a very sporadic act 90% of the time. This means that the person usually acts on impulse triggered by a sudden wave of sadness/anger. It usually is a reckless decision. With that being said, I'm glad I chose to live. I didn't know this at the time, and I was extremely upset then while crying on my bed, but I'm very thankful that somehow I walked back into that house. Because if I didn't walk into that house, I would've been hit by a car and killed. And I would have become just another sob story on the news about a poor depressed teen boy who killed himself at 15. And the next day no one would care. And my friends would grieve for me for no more than a week and go back to their track practice and music lessons. And my parents would feel shame and misery for their whole lives for a son they lost. And I would be so unsure of where I am, what happens after I die, all those questions you figure out while you're still living. And I wouldn't be able to live out my life dreams cause I killed myself on that fateful day. Everything would amount to one thing: shit. Absolute pure shit. Nothing would change in the world, and nothing good would come out of it. So, I guess I should thank my 15-year old self. ----------------- I realize now that when I stepped back into my house and onto my bed, I had chosen to live. I had chosen to prevent all the misery that would come from a short-lived life. And from choosing life, I gave birth to peace and happiness. I now have peace with my family. I've come to realize that not everyone can achieve satisfaction, and that when two people are arguing and want their way, the only way to achieve peace is for one person to let their stance down. It's easy saying this, but it's extremely difficult to do. Cause some people can be assholes sometimes, and you just have to give into them. I also have a lot more happiness, and this is more on my part. And I want to make it crystal clear that I do NOT blame my mom for my unhappiness; that will be adressed in part III. But, anyways, I have a lot more happiness now. Part of it having to do with releasing my anger towards my family. But, most of which has to do with feeling good about life. I just now no longer want other factors in life to drive me down; I want to live my life. And that's something everyone has to realize; that your will to live is the most important thing in life. And that you shouldn't let anyone, no matter how nasty and cruel they get, bring you down. You can choose to live, and you can choose to die. It's all up to you, cause no one can choose for you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Conclusion: Quotes I like Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown

Day 11: Part 1: How I Almost Killed Myself

Depression Leads to Suicide, No Joke Now, depression is a really serious thing, and I would know, cause I kind of went through it. And I say "I kind of" because I really wasn't diagnosed with it by a professional psychiatrist. Therefore, I wasn't given any anti-depressants or any form of medical help. I pretty much kept it to myself, (which I recommend you SHOULD NOT DO cause I went through a lot of tough times) and I pretty much denied I was unhappy. Soon enough after a year or so, I diagnosed myself with depression cause I had a lot of the symptoms (feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, loss of apetite, trouble sleeping or restlessness, social withdrawal). But the most important realization was not that I had depression. It was not my epiphany that I indeed was unhappy. The most important thing I realized......will be adressed in Part II As for now, I wish to share my story.... ---------------When I Almost Killed Myself----------------- Now, I kind of wanted to stray away from the cause of my depression, cause I don't think that's the main focus for this particular post. Rather, I want to focus on the time I almost killed myself I was 7th grade. I had a terrible fight with my parents, and I stormed outside. As I looked to my left, I could see the cars driving by. And I for a split second, I almost went and ran into those cars. For a split second. But, I was too chicken. And I just let the tears fall from my face.A few moments later, my mom came out of the house and started screaming at me. And I was too sad and too bitter to hear her hateful words, her words that were just meant to tear me down. So naturally, my ears just blocked her out. And then when she finished, I said as I looked straight into her eyes, "Mom, I feel like killing myself. I'm just really sad right now." To which she replied, "Go ahead. I don't care." She really did say that. I'm not editing this, I'm not making this up, because I really do remember this moment very clearly. She told me that she didn't care. And I really didn't grasp the full extent of what she said, because I was so shocked that I just stood there looking at the cars left of me. And this time, for a split minute, I thought about killing myself. I really did. I was probably a hairline away from killing myself on that day. But, all I did was stare at those cars and let those tears drench in my pain.I then I rushed back into the house and back into my room, and I lay there for about an hour crying. And it was on that bed that I still sleep on today, that I came to ponder what my mom had said to me. And it forever changed the way I saw my mother as a mom, and my mother as a woman. It hurt our relationship tremendously; things like this can never be healed fully. And I felt like shit for a long time after that; I couldn't look or talk to my mother for literally a week after that happened. I lost the love I once knew. But, I also did gain something. I really did. In fact, what I gained is the most important thing in my life.

Quick Note #1: I Have an Opendiary Account

Yep, all my notes are on opendiary.com too, so feel free to be-friend me (yay) if you have an account there. http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D788532 , ~WOOOOO!!!!

Day 10: Marriage is Like Ice Cream

I so unsure about my future plans for marriage. CauseI know for a fact that living a gay life is going to be harder (homophobia.) I can imagine walking in a store with my husband, shopping for some bread, while everyone turns to glance at us. And then when we return to our car, someone has the word "faggot" edged into the side. I don't know if I really want this. But, yeah, I'm really nervous about getting married. I mean, it's one thing to get married at be happy for that period of your life. But to be happy for a lifetime.....? Especially in today's society where not only is there homophobia and hate crime, but death penalties for gays in some countries? With nearly every major religion looking down upon your lifestyle? And I know the typical heterosexual will just say, "Oh, if you two really loved each other, you wouldn't care about what other people think." But, (and I don't mean to offend anyone), that's exactly what I expected to hear from such ignorance. Sometimes, you have to walk in another person's shoes to feel what their feeling. And in the same way, heterosexuals really don't know what it's like to be gay and hear faggot shouted by little 6th graders. And see pictures of "God Hates Fags" all around the south. And people glaring at a gay couple holding hands together, or (god-forbid) looking "camp." Whenever I hear the word faggot or queer now, I just go on in the hallways. I don't even think about how detrimental their words were simply because of the fact that I've heard it so many fucking times. When you're stung by a bee over and over again, the pain slowly goes away even though the wasp uses the same amount of force. That's exactly how homophobic remarks work; I've lost my emotion for them. ---------------- Now, even with all these societal negativity, it's not to say that marriage wouldn't be wonderful, because I really do think if I ever did get married, I would definitely hook up with the "right guy." I would love him like any other committed heterosexual couple; we would shop for food, we would mow the lawn, we would watch movies, we'd have hot passionate sex together on a saturday night. Only thing is, it'd just be different. But, also considering the alternative, which is celibacy, this would not be so bad too. Cause when I'm celibate (and not to brag, but I'm pretty bright) I can focus more on my work and career than a family that I don't even know will work out in today's society. In a celibate life, I'm not bound to anyone, and I can live a life untainted by the pressures of hate. Basically, a society cannot hate you while you're still closet, and in a celibate life, that's pretty much what I'd do. Be closeted and work like every other damn American, except harder cause I don't have to go home and do my kid's laundry. The only thing is, I think I'd be awfully lonely coming home from a job and finding only an empty table to greet me. You know, the feeling when you arrive home late at night and find everyone asleep? You just feel kind of lonesome. I really hope my crush for Andy goes away soon. Having a crush is liked a double-edged sword; on one hand, you really really do enjoy having a crush. You feel all "mushy" and happy and overall nice. And on the other hand, you think you're life would be better without one, cause then you wouldn't feel so goddamn lonesome about not having him. (and I use goddamn and other swear words to really emphasize how lonely it can get) I would love to marry someone, but if it looks like it's not going to work out, well, I hope I'm strong enough to live by myself. Or if heterosexuals would just be more accepting of us, then it wouldn't be so hard.... =)

Day 9: Friend Relationships in High School

So, I don't want everyone to think today is special. On the contrary, today is just like any other day; not too much exciting stuff. But, I felt like blogging random stuff. And I wanted to blog about the usual stuff like, "Oh, in 1st period, I studied plant cells under a microscope" or "During lunch, I ate this apple." But, I think that'd be really really boring, so I decided to just blog about relationships, because I feel they are important. --------------------------------- Math Teacher: I really wanted to start off with him because (a) I have him in the morning (b) he is pretty special to me. What I mean is, I really admire him. (Not at all in a sexual or attractive way!) I admire him because he is the nicest teacher I've ever had. He's very easy-going and lenient on grades, and he's also very good at teaching. However, I feel like I've drifted farther apart from him. And just to clear things up, this does NOT at all mean a sexual advance. I mean this in only a student-teacher relationship. It's just that I'm pretty shy, so I don't really talk much. And since I don't talk much, he begins talking less and less to me. I don't know, maybe I'm just being jealous for attention. But I think I would like to have our "relationship" stronger, because he's one of the only teachers in school that I've really liked. One of those people who seems to wake up in the morning and like to teach rather than just get paid. I hope I talk more...... Conner: So I have a good friend, Conner, who is my best bud in my math and english class. He's really smart, almost too smart, cause we always debate intellectually about philosophy. Like the other day, we debated whether intelligence or love was more important. And then we debated whether happiness was everyone's goal in life. That kind of stuff. I really enjoy talking to him, because he gives me something else to focus on other than schoolwork, plus he's fun to be around. So far, though, I feel as though he's just a good friend, and not a "great" friend. If you were a teen, you'd know what I mean. Because I'm not saying he treats me like shit; once again, it's my attention inferiority. I feel as though he likes me, but that's all. We talk and stuff, but only in class. We're not the "let's hang out on weekends" type of friends. Which reminds me.... Max/Lewis: My best friends growing up, by far. They were always with me no matter what. We used hang out at each other's houses for close to 8 hours in the summer (no joke!) Yeah, and everyday we played with each other. EVERYDAY. They honestly made my childhood the best. And we were the happiest little boys; we did everything together. But, that was before, and now 4 years later, well.......I feel bad for saying this. Cause it really is my fault. But, we aren't really that good of friends anymore. True, they're not in the same grade as me, and true, we are now very "different" people, but it's my fault for the rift. In seventh grade, when I entered middle school, I kind of got depressed. Like I had a lot of familial problems, so I naturally isolated myself more and more from people. Basically, I lost a lot of my childhood happiness. (a different day) So then I started to call Max and Lewis less and less. And it became very weird for them, because before we used to play with each other ALL DAY, and now we barely did. Up to the point where they addressed me and asked why I never played with them anymore. And I gave the shittiest excuses ever like "too much homework" or "i'm busy." And looking back, I can understand why they must have felt rejected and angry at me, cause my excuses were terrible to make up for why I didn't play with them. I never told them now, and I didn't realize it till I got smart enough in high school to know. That the reason why I stopped playing with them is because I lost the ambition to. I know people who are reading this won't understand, but I honestly just lost my drive in life. I was so depressed I couldn't even talk to my best friends. I'm better now; don't worry. I'm no longer as "depressed" as I was (and not because I found out I was gay.) But even after this realization, I lost the two most loving people in my life. (Now) Presently, it's getting better. I'm talking to Max a lot more, (not nearly as much as before), but more. It's a start.... Natalie: Well, I don't know if I can say she's my best "girl"-friend, but she comes close. She's definitely a good friend, although I've never been to her house cause it'd be kind of weird. Anyway, she's one of those extremely odd (not offensively) type of girls with cool hair, who's shy and intellectual, and loves the environment. And by love, I'm mean she loves the environment. I once asked her if she had to choose between saving a unknown human or an endangered leopard, which would she choose, and she told me the leopard. Weird. But anyway, she's also one of the harder people to have a relationship with. Cause we really don't have classes together, and the fact that both of us are shy makes it hard to communicate with one another. But, yeah, since I'm closeted, all her friends see us together and are like "Oh Chase, you should go out with Natalie." I always feel kind of light-hearted whenever they say that, cause it would be even more funny if they knew the truth. Yeah, so in case you're wondering, if there are two shy people, one of you has to take the lead to speak. That's always a requirement in a relationship like this. Librarian: This isn't too "serious" of a relationship, but oh well. She's basically this extremely extremely extremely nice librarian who says hi to me everyday and offers me food when I'm hungry. I honestly love seeing her more than most people because she is just so damn nice. It's crazy. I wish everyone was like her. Andy: This isn't really much of a relationship, cause I've never talked to him. However, he's my secret crush. (meaning I've never told anyone) Now I'm not your typical horny, lustful type of teenager. I hardly fantasize about people naked in bed with me, unless I'm asleep or extremely out of it. I'm really more of a romantic person, where I think someone looks cute instead of hot and think about how lovely they look. Nonetheless, he's one of the people I've got a crush on. Extremely tall Caucasian football player who is extremely handsome and good-looking. It's hard not to feel light-hearted typing this cause he's really really cute. And when he smiles, I smile too cause it makes me fall in love again. Damn it! I've never talked to him, so he's really just a fantasy. Nonetheless, he's important to mention cause he's the only guy I have a crush on right now. ------------------------- Conclusion: I have a lot more relationships... I have a lot more "connections", but it'd be too tedious to list them all. These are the most "interesting" ones I have at school, though. Ones that I really want to work on (except the last one! We'll just leave it like that.)

Day 8: I Hate Gym

So, I have gym class and its sucks! Combined with the fact that my friends left second semester cause they moved, and that I don't know anyone in the class, AND the fact that I'm not very athletic, this has got to be my least favorite class. Oh, plus there's all this 'asian rivalry' going on between me and this other guy. In case your wondering, 'asian rivalry' is a term I coined when two asian people (specifically Chinese people) have to battle themselves intellectually out to see who's smarter. Except the fact that I DON'T EVEN CARE about being smart! It's pathetic! But, basically there's this Chinese guy I've known for the past three years in high school who is SOOOOOOO mean to me because he thinks he's smarter. Like in freshman year, he used to tell me everyday in class how much smarter he was. I'm not even joking; he'd literally walk up to me and say he was smarter than me in front of my face, before I even knew him. Imagine if some random guy who you've never met before came up to you and said he was smarter. (a) you'd probably think he is a jackass (b) he probably has the maturity of a ferret (c) you'd probably think he is a really really big jackass. Not to deny the fact that he really is very smart; in fact, I can honestly say he's probably one of the smartest people in the school, having an ACT score of 36, being on the math team, etc. (which he makes known to everyone!) But, yeah, so usually everyday in class he tells me how smart he is. He's one of those "damn intellectuals who hang out with other intellectuals" -Catcher in the Rye. (oh, I love that quote) I'm serious, though, that's also one of the main reasons I hate gym. There's this annoying guy in my class with a body made out of ego who comes in with his head held high in pity over everyone else who he thinks is dumber than him. And the worst part is, I always have a bit of pity for him. Cause no matter how prideful he looks with that disgusting grin on his face, you can't help but wonder what happens to people like him. I mean, seriously, what happens when he ends up going to Princeton and he's surrounded by clones of him, only smarter. I mean, the guy's inferiority complex (aka self-esteem) is just gonna collapse! Or maybe I'm just hoping it does cause I'm bitter....oh well. So, yeah, and about my friends moving, not cool. I used to have a really good friend I could talk to in gym first semester, but now that he's gone, well............that sucks. Cause he really was a good friend. Always stuck by me, didn't crack any racist/gay/sexist jokes that I hate, was nice to me and wasn't one of those people who think keeping a close friend is treating them like crap. Yeah, he was a good, genuine friend, that's now at another school where I will probably never actually see him again......