Day 11: Part 1: How I Almost Killed Myself

Depression Leads to Suicide, No Joke Now, depression is a really serious thing, and I would know, cause I kind of went through it. And I say "I kind of" because I really wasn't diagnosed with it by a professional psychiatrist. Therefore, I wasn't given any anti-depressants or any form of medical help. I pretty much kept it to myself, (which I recommend you SHOULD NOT DO cause I went through a lot of tough times) and I pretty much denied I was unhappy. Soon enough after a year or so, I diagnosed myself with depression cause I had a lot of the symptoms (feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, loss of apetite, trouble sleeping or restlessness, social withdrawal). But the most important realization was not that I had depression. It was not my epiphany that I indeed was unhappy. The most important thing I realized......will be adressed in Part II As for now, I wish to share my story.... ---------------When I Almost Killed Myself----------------- Now, I kind of wanted to stray away from the cause of my depression, cause I don't think that's the main focus for this particular post. Rather, I want to focus on the time I almost killed myself I was 7th grade. I had a terrible fight with my parents, and I stormed outside. As I looked to my left, I could see the cars driving by. And I for a split second, I almost went and ran into those cars. For a split second. But, I was too chicken. And I just let the tears fall from my face.A few moments later, my mom came out of the house and started screaming at me. And I was too sad and too bitter to hear her hateful words, her words that were just meant to tear me down. So naturally, my ears just blocked her out. And then when she finished, I said as I looked straight into her eyes, "Mom, I feel like killing myself. I'm just really sad right now." To which she replied, "Go ahead. I don't care." She really did say that. I'm not editing this, I'm not making this up, because I really do remember this moment very clearly. She told me that she didn't care. And I really didn't grasp the full extent of what she said, because I was so shocked that I just stood there looking at the cars left of me. And this time, for a split minute, I thought about killing myself. I really did. I was probably a hairline away from killing myself on that day. But, all I did was stare at those cars and let those tears drench in my pain.I then I rushed back into the house and back into my room, and I lay there for about an hour crying. And it was on that bed that I still sleep on today, that I came to ponder what my mom had said to me. And it forever changed the way I saw my mother as a mom, and my mother as a woman. It hurt our relationship tremendously; things like this can never be healed fully. And I felt like shit for a long time after that; I couldn't look or talk to my mother for literally a week after that happened. I lost the love I once knew. But, I also did gain something. I really did. In fact, what I gained is the most important thing in my life.