Day 10: Marriage is Like Ice Cream

I so unsure about my future plans for marriage. CauseI know for a fact that living a gay life is going to be harder (homophobia.) I can imagine walking in a store with my husband, shopping for some bread, while everyone turns to glance at us. And then when we return to our car, someone has the word "faggot" edged into the side. I don't know if I really want this. But, yeah, I'm really nervous about getting married. I mean, it's one thing to get married at be happy for that period of your life. But to be happy for a lifetime.....? Especially in today's society where not only is there homophobia and hate crime, but death penalties for gays in some countries? With nearly every major religion looking down upon your lifestyle? And I know the typical heterosexual will just say, "Oh, if you two really loved each other, you wouldn't care about what other people think." But, (and I don't mean to offend anyone), that's exactly what I expected to hear from such ignorance. Sometimes, you have to walk in another person's shoes to feel what their feeling. And in the same way, heterosexuals really don't know what it's like to be gay and hear faggot shouted by little 6th graders. And see pictures of "God Hates Fags" all around the south. And people glaring at a gay couple holding hands together, or (god-forbid) looking "camp." Whenever I hear the word faggot or queer now, I just go on in the hallways. I don't even think about how detrimental their words were simply because of the fact that I've heard it so many fucking times. When you're stung by a bee over and over again, the pain slowly goes away even though the wasp uses the same amount of force. That's exactly how homophobic remarks work; I've lost my emotion for them. ---------------- Now, even with all these societal negativity, it's not to say that marriage wouldn't be wonderful, because I really do think if I ever did get married, I would definitely hook up with the "right guy." I would love him like any other committed heterosexual couple; we would shop for food, we would mow the lawn, we would watch movies, we'd have hot passionate sex together on a saturday night. Only thing is, it'd just be different. But, also considering the alternative, which is celibacy, this would not be so bad too. Cause when I'm celibate (and not to brag, but I'm pretty bright) I can focus more on my work and career than a family that I don't even know will work out in today's society. In a celibate life, I'm not bound to anyone, and I can live a life untainted by the pressures of hate. Basically, a society cannot hate you while you're still closet, and in a celibate life, that's pretty much what I'd do. Be closeted and work like every other damn American, except harder cause I don't have to go home and do my kid's laundry. The only thing is, I think I'd be awfully lonely coming home from a job and finding only an empty table to greet me. You know, the feeling when you arrive home late at night and find everyone asleep? You just feel kind of lonesome. I really hope my crush for Andy goes away soon. Having a crush is liked a double-edged sword; on one hand, you really really do enjoy having a crush. You feel all "mushy" and happy and overall nice. And on the other hand, you think you're life would be better without one, cause then you wouldn't feel so goddamn lonesome about not having him. (and I use goddamn and other swear words to really emphasize how lonely it can get) I would love to marry someone, but if it looks like it's not going to work out, well, I hope I'm strong enough to live by myself. Or if heterosexuals would just be more accepting of us, then it wouldn't be so hard.... =)