Day 17b: Does your Heart cry from loving someone?

Day 17b: Does Your Heart cry from loving someone? You sitting at a distant table, watching the guy who sits several tables down. He immediately catches your attention with his gleamy hair and dreamy face. Your heart gently beats and your mind lands gently in calm peace as you stare at his beautiful green eyes. Suddenly, he smiles, and though he doesn't look at you, your heart suddenly bursts with excitement. You long for him to walk this way and cuddle you in his arms. For the next fifteen minutes, you try to maintain focus on what you came here to do: finish your work. The book opens and you read instensly the lines your English teacher assigned you. Yet, every minute or so your mind drifts back into that calm peace, where your heart was feeling lighthearted and happy. The man's image has entranced your heart, and you once again long for him to come over and hug you. You wish he could show his beautiful smile once more at you, or at least look at you with his beautiful eyes. Suddenly, he gets up, and you see him exit through those wooden doors, completely oblivious to your existence. He does not know the deep love you have in your heart, and now he is gone forever. Hours go by, and as you eat your turkey salad for lunch, you once again think of the man who smiled with such a cute face and such a handsome figure. And so once more, you fantasize about the fantasy love you guys would posess, whether it be a small kiss or a walk on the beach. And now weeks later, he has fully captured you. Your mind is set on finding that man, and even when you are about to sleep, you lie in bed and think about him. Tall, rigid square face, strong-muscled lover. He is there in your dreams and forever in your heart as you two kiss in sweet happiness. But then reality hits you. And when I say "hits you", I mean it slams a knife through your skull. Cause then you start to think RATIONALLY, and you realize how that man never knew you existed no matter how much you loved him. No matter how much you dreamdt of him kissing you or holding you in bed, his reality and your reality are but the same; you are seperate. The love is non-existent and all in the head. And all you have been doing these past weeks is filling your head with the idea of a false love that was never true. It was all in the mind. ( Now, understand that I'm gay, so if you're a male or a lesbian, sorry if this story didn't really "connect" with you. Instead, I prefer you imagine a female instead. ) My Personal Experience...........I Love You, Andy Yeah, so to be honest, this hasn't happened a lot with me. Usually when I get a crush, it lasts for a couple of days, and then I realize that it's never gonna work out and my heart just lets it go. I simply accept the fact that I can't like the other person, and my heart simply stops longing for the other guy. Furthermore, whenever I do have the crush, I rarely constantly think about the other person. I usually only feel "lighthearted" when I see him in person. So, for the most part, this doesn't really happen to me...... until now. Like I said, this is a continuation of the "Day 17: Ups and Downs" blog. I've had a crush on this guy named "Andy" and it hasn't gone away! I've been thinking about him all the time; like last night, I couldn't go to sleep for an hour because I just thought of his handsome face. And as I lay there on the bed, all I could think about was him holding me really tight like we were a couple. I know I love him; I can feel that "feeling" you get whenever you fall for someone. The problem is, though, is that whenever rationale pops up, I realize it's all in my head, just like the scenario above. He has NO clue I like him cause I don't offer any clues. And whenever I see him in class, I never look him in the eyes because I'm too nervous. (Note: I want to reiterate the fact that I don't assume every guy I get a crush on is gay. Usually my gaydar (high voice, lisp, walking patterns, etc.) can tell me if someone's more likely to be gay, and so far most of my crushes are stereotypically straight. ) NOW, here's the dillemma: Andy is the first guy who I feel could be gay; he has a bunch of small mannerisms, although minor, which raise a few suspicions. And he sometimes stares at me (and no I don't think that just cause I'm in love with him.) But, here's the deal: since he might be gay, I have two options... 1. I can just live out these fantasies in my head until they soon pass away eventually.....This means not confronting Andy about my feelings towards him. 2. I can boldly confront him about my feelings for him. The problem with this, though, is that I really don't know him that well, and I really have no way of asking him "Are you gay?" in any subtle manner. Yet, I really like him and it's killing me!! Conclusion: Which Path Should I Take? I really really need advice to which path I should take. Cause in path 1, I can just wait in time for another person who I'm more sure of. Or at least wait until I'm out of high school to start a relationship, which would be much more safe. Or path 2, where I can actually live out my heart's desires. If you could tell me what path to take or want to share your story, please comment!!!!!!!!

Day 17: Ups and Downs of March 6 for typical teenager

Day 17: Ups and Downs of March 6 for typical teenager UPS So my day started out great cause I got enough sleep (meaning 7 hours), which I barely ever get. I was feeling really really great. Then I went to school and in 3rd period, I was discussing with my friend about some plans over the weekend...btw, I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but 3rd period (Calculus) is my favorite class cause my teacher is about the nicest person ever. Time to blog about him... 3rd-Period Teacher So if there was ever a senior survey asking me who my "Most Influential Teacher" would be, it would definitely be this guy. Not only is he good at teaching, but he's incredibly kind-hearted. I'm not the typical teacher's pet kind of guy, nor am I well-liked by many of my teachers. Most high school teachers are in fact very neutral towards their students without getting into their affairs. I remember in elementary school where my teachers were always very friendly toward me. But now, they aren't that much...Idk. Anywhoo, my math teacher is about the nicest teacher I've ever had. He is always very polite towards you and actually looks at you when you talk to him (unlike my jackass band teacher) Yeah, but seriously, he's always there to help you with your homework and stuff and I guess what I really see in him is that he WANTS HIS STUDENTS TO LEARN!!! I don't know if I'm just crazy, but I feel as though there are two types of teachers. There are the teachers who care more about money than students, and then there are those who care about students more. My bio teacher is a classic example: although she isn't cold-hearted, she rarely tries to help a student out if they're struggling. And if you ask her a question, she gives the most brief explanation ever. It's annoying. I think I've been so accustomed to these kind of teachers for soo long that I'm now very happy to have my math teacher. He's a good teacher who has a good heart. And he has that vibe of being a "good person" if you know what I mean. It's just that feeling that you know someone is a nice, good person. Idk....maybe I'm crazy. -------------------------- Sorry to rant so long, but I really wanted to type about him because he's a person worth remembering in life. A lot of my mediocre and mean teachers are not worth remembering, but this one is. He's very special to me. To continue on my UPS..... No one in my family majorly pissed me off today. This is a huge plus since I don't get along with my family very much, so yay! I'm also happy cause I got to play my friend in Super Smash Brawl and I beat him 80% of the time.....(sorry for being such a geek.) He's a nice friend as well. I'm happy to see him.... DOWNS Remember "Andy", the guy I said I really liked? Tall handsome Caucasian guy? Ok, just to explain something so we're not on the wrong page, I don't suspect everyone I have a crush on is gay. I honestly don't just crush on some guy and think "oh he might be gay." Cause most of the time my "gaydar" (like high voice, gay lisp, walking pattern, etc) can usually rule out most guys as straight. Here's the note though: Andy's the first guy I feel as though might be gay. And I'm not just saying that cause I have a crush on him; he just has a lot of "hints" which are not major, but still suspicious. And to top it off, he's really really CUTE. And I'm sorry if you're straight and you feel awkward, I'm sorry. But, he really is extremely cute. And I wanted to note him particularly because he's my longest standing crush. I've had a crush on him for about 3 months, which is a long time for me. And I can't stop thinking about him! It's sooo unhealthy! It's not good for me to be lying in bed thinking about.... never mind. I think I'll just write more about this in the next blog....

Day 16: My Two Favorite Songs...

Day 16: My Two Favorite Songs.... Well, my two favorite songs (as of right now) are very meaningful to me, cause I listen to them when I'm sad. They kind of sooth me whenever I'm lonely or mad about something in life, or if I'm struggling that day. So here they are.... Julia/Eyes On Me This is actually a piece of music, but it sounds really nice and I like it a lot. It has a romantic side to it that really attracted me to the piece, and I always think of being with a "special someone" whenever I hear this song. Yeah, I'm so pitiful..... Anyways,.......I've provided a link for both tunes. They are identical, except Julia is slower and shorter, while Eyes on Me is slightly longer. Both are extremely good! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAQqxUsXWqQ (Julia) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYzifR67NJs (Eyes On Me) Blackbird Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh You were only waiting for this moment to arise ---------------------------------------------------------------- I like "Julia" because it means a lot to me since I'm obsessed with Final Fantasy, and the fact that it has a romantic underline to it. It's also very peaceful to listen to. As for "Blackbird", I remember listening to it everyday on the bus to school for about 2 months. I could not get it out of my head even though it's such a simple song. I think it's cause the lyrics were so good that I was able to play it over and over in my head. You know how pop songs kind of "fade' cause once their good tune has been overplayed, it sounds boring? Well, that's cause the lyrics were so-so/bad, so you didn't have something to ponder about. WELL, Blackbird not only has a good melody, but the lyrics are pretty good. I enjoy listening to this a lot. Let me know what you think of the songs!

Day 15: I Wish I Had This Book!

So I suddenly had this memory of my childhood days (good times) when I was sitting in 1st grade reading "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. And now I really want that book, cause I realized it was such a good book!! And yes I am 16 years old, but that book is still readable by any age. That's what I like about children's books; they can be read by anyone without it having to be too philosophical or whatever. Not to say that "deep thinking" is bad, but it's nice to read a nice "simple" book once in a while. I found a youtube link to it, but I don't know if it's perfect. Oh well....I just thought I'd share it with you since I really had nothing exciting happening over the weekend worth typing about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zupqg3n0d7k

Day 14: I Hate Heterosexuals? WTF?

Day 14: I Hate Heterosexuals?? WTF? So, yeah, I actually wouldn't have written this entry, but since nothing interesting happened today, I guess I'll just write about it now. ------------------ I've been getting notes where people seem to get really offended by what I say, and some people are even leaving me links to porn sites!!! AHHHHH!!!@#!@#! But, yeah, apparently I've been getting notes like.... "The issue is not where you are supposed to be some kind of spokesperson or not. The issue is that you are laying a lot of hate at the feet of heterosexuals while saying "Don't hate me because I'm gay". The issue is attitude. Prejudice works both ways, kid. " I love it when people distort your whole view: as if I really ever did say "Don't hate me because I'm gay." All I said ( in case you didn't read) was that I don't want anyone to be disappointed in looking towards my life. That's all I meant, hence the title "I'm here, just me and no one else." AHHHHHH!!!!! How would this be promoting prejudice? Am I telling gay people to hate heterosexuals? In any of my writing, am I encouraging something as strong as hate against other people? So yeah, someone needs to get their brain checked. And something as ludicrous as I'm "laying a lot of hate at the feet of heterosexuals" is just bullshit. And to the people who've been reading my entries, they would know I have nothing against them. But, seriously, I really don't hate heterosexuals. Most of my friends are straight and most of my idols in life are straight. And it's not like I have anything against them: the only thing I said was that in our society, heterosexuals are not fully accepting of gays. That's about all I said, and even that statement is pretty unbiased cause it's true. People fail to realize that in some countries, homosexuality is punishable by death, so yeah to all those people who said "Gays are actually very accepted in society." Umm........no. Not unless you live in San Francisco or some big metropolitan area. There are still a lot of conservative people out there who disapprove of our lifestyle. My point is, though, is that I don't hate them. I really really don't. All I stated was that in a society it is hard to gain acceptance, a statement that is pretty true. And if someone wants to leave me a note, please at least make it honest, cause I like a good reputation just like any other person who takes time to start a diary. BTW, it seems all the nasty comments are left by unsigned users......how funny......which makes me wonder: do any of you disable the "unsigned notes"? Cause all I've been getting are extremely rude or sexual-charged notes left by a bunch of ppl I can't reply to. And I don't want to block out any person who isn't on opendiary and honestly just wants to leave me a note. But, it seems there are a lot of negativities coming from unsigned notes.......Idk But This Reminds Me... Yet the person who left this note was really funny because he/she reminded me of the end of the Animaniacs clip, where at the end, the line goes "The next president to lead the way well it just might be yourself one day then the press will distort everything you say so jump in your plane and fly away!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvy0wRLD5s8 It's really funny and you should watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_ZvVUHoNYU

Day 13: I'm here, just me and no one else

I hope no one feels offended by me writing, and I hope no one looks to me as the "representative of gay teenage America" because my blog name is "Gay_Teenager." Anyways, I'm a lousy "gay" person, so you really shouldn't be looking here for much insight about issues of homosexuality, GBLT rights, etc. Cause I'm not at all knowledgable about my sexuality. All I know is that I like guys, and life just kind of went on. Here I am just as I am: I'm just a weird 16-yr old gay junior. That's all there is to me. I'm not automatically a GBLT rights activist. I'm not automatically a genius at GBLT history. I'm not automatically gonna know all the songs by Madonna or have a great fashion sense. I'm just....me. That's as plain as I can get. I'm just me: everything you know about me is on this blog. You can't assume anything about me, I'm not super special or super cool or super whatever. I'm merely here as I am, a gay adolescent teenage guy. Sorry for being such a loser and writing a bunch of this crap, but I felt like it was important to write. I want people to see me in plain view with both their eyes rather than using a camera to distort my picture. If you get that analogy, then you're golden. =)