Day 3: When Did I Become Gay?

INTRODUCTION

So, there's this whole controversy about people "becoming gay", or whether they were born gay. I personally don't think there is conclusive evidence on either sides, or else it would have been more well known, so in this case, I cannot deny either theory. In my personal belief, I think although not necessarily you may choose to be gay, putting yourself around a "gay" environment can spark your homosexual instincts. (And I'll explain this all in the blog) --------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW I GREW UP TO BE............. Gay

Baby-Toddler I was a happy child. I think I mentioned this already, but anyways....I was born into a good familial environment. Two parents; my dad worked for an airline service, so we got tremendous airline benefits. As a result, I found myself vacationing anywhere we wanted to go; Disneyland, the Grand Canyon, Taiwan, China, Yosemite National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Florida, California, North Carolina, and a bunch of other places. I also vaguely remember this era; I only remember being a happy child cause of the numerous house videos I saw when I got older. Kindergarten I had a best friend named Timothy; we were just like any other kindergarteners. I never had a crush on him. However, as with the girls, my mom used to say that I always looked under their dresses. (I'm such a perv) She also said that whenever I went to summer camp, I used to grab my caretaker's boobs (.....no explanation.) I was a very silly child to say the least. 1st grade-5th grade (Elementary) Ummm....this is kind of weird. One thing I have to explain (and I promise it has to do with my homosexuality) is that I was a pretty bright student. I was extremely good at math; unfortunately, I was also very bad at reading. I remember being ranked 99% nationally on nearly all my standarized tests for math, yet scoring as low at 45% for reading. Anyway, this will come up later............ I transferred to this new elementary school I adjusted pretty well. I can't really remember 1-2 grade, but I do remember I was happy. And not only happy, but I always liked these girls in my class. One time, I got so excited over this girl that I asked her to my birthday party (in July) while it was still February. Needless to say, I was a klutz. Well, starting 3rd grade, the very best thing happened to me. Basically, these two families moved in on my street, and when they came over to introduce themselves as our new neighbors, I met their children. Both families had a son, and soon enough I started to hang out with them. We quickly became the BEST of friends, and when I say best, I really do mean best. I already mentioned this in another blog, but we did everything together. Every weekend, we hung out at each other's houses, and in the summer, we were together everyday for nearly 12 hours. It was crazy, and I remember feeling extremely loved. I was also never home, but that never bothered me much. 6th grade Well, I moved into middle school, and my friends didn't go the same place, so I didn't get to see them as often. However, I made a lot of new friends in my new classes, which were all extended because of my high math scores. It wasn't that bad of a year, but I still struggled a lot with not seeing them as much, plus my school work was extremely hard. 7th grade I Lost a Part of Myself 7th grade is probably the darkest moment in my life. I had a lot of trouble in seventh grade. I guess I should mention the first thing that hit me; class placements. Being a very bright child, I was always put into a highly intellectual environment. All my classmates were smart and as a result, most of my friends were in those classes. However, a new policy ensued in our school where only students with high scores in math AND english could be enrolled in the extended programs. As a result, I was kicked out of the extended classes at my school, which hurt me a lot. I remember the first day back to school in middle school. I went into my new english class, which was a regular class, and I started to cry because I felt so terrible about myself. I couldn't face any of my friends, most of whom had no idea that I had dropped out of those classes. Another thing I remember is the feeling that something literally was ripped away from my heart. My self-esteem slowly died at the days progressed; not only were my parents sort of disappointed in me, but I also lost a lot of my friends who still remained in the extended program. Most of all, however, I was so disappointed in myself. ------ Family Hatred This is also the year that I had a lot more homework, so less social time outside of school. As with any case, the less time you are with friends, to farther you drift from them. As a result, I stayed home a lot and counted on my family to be there for me. However, my parents were not the nicest people, and I found myself in constant arguement with them. I grew to hate them deeply, because I felt like they didn't love me. They were never really there for me, and the lack of saying "hello" or "goodnight" or "I love you" really hurt me; in my mind, I was still a child. I think that also hurt me a lot, feeling unloved. I felt lonely and sad, and soon enough my happy child image disappeared. One of my friends even came up to me and asked me if I was emo cause I looked sad all the time. I was THAT sad where I never smiled, but I definitely lost a lot of my joy. Mastubation and Hot Guys This was also the year that I discovered masturbation, which I must warn you is about the WORST THING YOU COULD DO IN YOUR FREE TIME. No seriously, guys and girls, stop ejaculating. It's just such a waste of time. Anyway......I think I found solace in masturbation, especially when I had a lot of problems at school and at home. This is where everything went wrong. So basically, I began to masturbate to porn on the internet. I remember going to this one website all the time, where there were two folders on the screen. One contained pictures of a bunch of naked women, while the other had a bunch of naked men. I remember always clicking on the naked women and jacking off to them. However, I soon found myself getting curious, and I remember slowing edging my eyes toward the naked guys. Eventually, I would switch off between the two, until I soon found the male physique more appealing. By the time seventh grade ended, I was addicted to gay internet porn. 8th-11th (Where I Am Today) There are soo many things that happened the next three years until now, but I can't write everything. But, basically, I started this lifelong addiction to masturbation which I'm now trying to quit. It's just soooo bad for you. You seriously spend hours filling this hypnotic sex rush that you think is great while you're still hard, but as soon as you "release", you realize how you just wasted your day doing absolute shit. I also started a turning away from girls and getting attracted by guys. I realized that the guys I crushed on were usually tall Caucasian jocks, which were most similar to the internet models. Once again, further proof that you really souldn't masturbate. Well, now I get frequent crushes on guys, but never to the point of obsession. I usually notice an attractive guy walking down a hall, pass by him, and then end up forgetting about him. So I don't really get "head-over-heels" type of crushes, although some have been pretty strong. ------------------------------------------- CONCLUSION Yep, so that's my story. I'd like to conclude this by telling you some advice. 1. Don't let your problems get you down. I was so bitter and angry and sad that I got kicked out of the extended program that I lost a lot of my joy. I basically turned from a happy, energetic child, to a downtrodden pessimmistic one. As I grew older, I grew to learn about other people's problems like starvation or domestic violence or divorce, and I came to realize the ridiculousness of my problem. It's not like my health was damaged, it's not like I live with an abusive spouse. Soon, I came to see my problem for what it was; a problem. And I fixed it by continuing forward. Sometimes, problems in life can't be changed, and the only way to fix them is to have the will to keep living. 2. Stop unzipping your pants Yeah, just stop. Seriously, it's about the most unproductive, most worthless thing you could do in your life. All you do is stroke your rod up and down while watching a bunch of naked people. While it may sound fun, and all those stupid claims of "health benefits", you lose a lot of precious time. And I'm dead honest. Masturbation will destroy your life. It will destroy your marriage when your spouse sees the porn websites/images on your computer. It will destroy people's trust in you when they see you jacking off. It will destroy the time you have with actual people around you who ACTUALLY love you, and aren't some holographic pixel with fleshy appearence. So call it quits. 3. Love yourself This is about the most cliche statement ever that literally goes into one ear and out the other. So Basically it means this; you don't have to count on the things around you to be hapopy. The people around you may not always love you, the circumstances of life might not always be favorable, and your life may pretty much suck compared to others. But no matter how painful life gets, no matter how hurtful your friend was towards you, or how backstabbing your boss was, or how painful it was to see your wealth disappear, you always have the option to be happy. Love yourself; don't go around all sad at heart, but be joyful. -------------------------------

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion You cannot always have happiness, but you can always give happiness -Unknown No one really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy -Cynthia Nelms Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown