Day 7: I Cannot Get Him Out of My Mind

It's very cliche.......I think it's from a song by Avril Lavigne. But, anyway.... I can't stop dreaming about crushes! It's crazy! I have never been this way before, and when I say never, I really do mean NEVER!! It's my second post this day because I seriously can't stop dreaming about him. (won't mention name) But seriously, ahhh! I hate this. I'm so lovestruck that I can't concentrate on my finals tomorrow. Basically, I keep having this occuring dream of him and me in a hotel room. We are not doing anything sexual, but he just keeps talking to me in a flirty manner. And all I do is just laugh and smile. It's the least bit sexual; there is absolutely no sex in my fantasy. But I just can't stop thinking about him. I am going crazy right now. Please help!

Day 6: 1 Month of No Masturbation?

NO MASTURBATION FOR ONE MONTH CHALLENGE DAY 1 Yep, that's my goal for February. I really want to get rid of all the masturbation that occurs in my life. No more stupid fantasies that take away hours of my life. I'm done. So, here's to day one of no masturbation. I'M HAVING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS? Well, I actually haven't masturbated for 3 days now, and it's driving me CRAZY! Now, I'm no medical expert, but I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing withdrawal-like symptoms. Basically, I'm horny a lot and really want to beat my rod, so it's really really really really hard not to. Oh, god! This is sooooooooooooooooooo hard. Basically, I'm really irritated right now, I'm horny, I'm tired, and my rod is tingling like crazy (sry to be so graphic.) But, honestly, I already feel like giving in, which is terrible considering today is officially day 1! AHHH! I'm really irritated right now. Which leads me to believe that masturbation is similar to drugs or alcohol. As soon as you quit, your mind's need for them kicks in, and all those stupid hormones start raging through your body telling you to go smoke pot, or whatever. Well, right now I feel the same way, but I'm gonna try to conquer it. So yeah, hope whoever's reading this will wish me good luck, cause I really need it.

Day 5: Lovestruck and Daydreaming

Yeah, I've noticed that my previous blogs have been all about homosexuality and crushes, but I can't help it. Sry. So anyway.... ----------------------------------- DO YOU EVER DREAM ABOUT A CRUSH? Do you ever find yourself daydreaming about someone? You don't have to be gay to know what it feels like to fall in love with someone, to think about talking to them or laughing with them, spending time holding their hand while walking along a sunset beach. It's all too common in my life. One of my most frequent romantic fantasies (that are not at all sexual! just romantic) occurs whenever I lie on my bed and hug my blankets. I always picture in my mind this one guy from my school hugging me tightly as if we were married. It's soooooooooooo weird. And sry if I come off as perverted or strange or desperate, but I'm not. A lot of my guy friends always tell me about their crushes, which in all honesty are all lot more "sexual" in terms of what they think about. However, I came to think about why my mind always wanders towards these thoughts, and I came up with the very simple answer; I enjoy them. I know you guys do too. I know that I'm not the only one who feels a little gitty gitty whenever you think about your crush, am I right? Whenever I have these moments of passionate daydreaming, I can't help but continue the fantasy. Cause everytime I do, I feel extremely happy, the kind of happy you feel when you feel like you're life's perfect. And then reality comes sinking in, showing me that I'm just a quiet, oddly-shaped high school teenager whose main goals in the hallway are to keep to myself and look down. And no way would some hot, athletic guy with a killer smile dare come up to me and ask me out, assuming he was gay. Anyway, does anyone else have these dreams about getting hugged tightly in bed? Or am I the only one? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MY COMMON IDOLS (who I looked up to when I grew up) Ken from Digimon: So when I was young, I used to obsess over the show Digimon. I began watching season 2 of the series and it was soooo AMAZING! I'm serious, it's like ten times better than pokemon. Well anyways, it's about these children who have to save the world using their little "pets" called Digimon. Every character is the stereotypically brave child who must conquer the world, so as a little boy, I always wanted to be like the hero of the episode. I remember even up in 5th grade, I used to dream that I was the tall, sofisticated Ken (the one with blue hair) because he was always so cool. Even today, I look back and see how I might have idolized him.

Cloud Strife: I also idolized Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII (coolest haircut ever....), probably cause I played that game so much. I used to wake up at 6:00 A.M. on Saturdays as a little boy just to play this game, and then finish around 12:00. It was addicting, and so it kind of grew on me. Not to mention the fact that Final Fantasy VII is quite possibly the best game I have ever played. Not only is the gameplay good, but the story is so EMOTIONAL!!! It's what really spurred on my romantic side in later years, cause the characters all have this extremely extremely deep quality about them that isn't like some 2D Ratchet character that attracted me to them. The game pretty much excels at everything, but mainly storyline. The characters and story fit flawlessly into each other, and I really began to fantasize about being Cloud. (guy in the center wearing black who has spiky hair and a huge sword) Aeris Gainsborough: However, as I grew older, I game to think of Aeris more, the other main character in the game. She is the coolest female character ever, with these funky spells that pretty much hook anyone who's playing. She is quiet, collected, but most of all, she comes off as an angel. Like literally, whenever she enters the screen, really soft music starts to play. And her innocence really attracted me to her, but not in a loving way, only in an admirable way. Ashitaka: Well, in middle school, I saw the Japanese movie Princess Mononoke, which involved this protagonist Ashitaka. He was also the stereotypical athletic, strong, brave teenager who had to save the world. Yet, he was a lot more in depth than the Digimon show (of course) and he came off as a very likeable person. As a result, I always dreamdt that I was like him when I was in middle school. Rei Ayanami/Asuka Langley Soyru/John Rzeznik: In high school, I mentioned losing a lot of my friends, and so like any lonely teenager, I started to think of a fantasy life where I had tons of friends. Well, if I could have any three friends, I imagined they would be Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Asuka Langley Soyru from Neon Genesis Evangelion, and John Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls. I picked them cause I also became obsessed with Neon Genesis Evangelion (which btw is my favorite show ever) and because the Goo Goo Dolls are my favorite band in the whole world. WARNING: if you haven't noticed, I am a bit out of the norm. But anywho, I always imagined them with me whenever I was lonely; they would be the smart, athletic, friends who always called my name from down the hallway of my high school so that everyone would turn to look at me and see what great friends I had. (Asuka= Red Hair Rei= Blue Hair) John Rzeznik, the nicest and coolest singer I know

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WHAT ABOUT YOU? Yeah, so basically it started from me idolizing people for their courage to daydreaming about an alternate life to mask my current pain. Isn't that great?

But honestly, I still do have my idols. These are people who I think are heroes by the way they act, and even though some of them aren't real (aka Cloud Strife), they still give me something to imitate and that is their courage. Sometimes, though, it doesn't have to be courage. Sometimes it's kindness, or patience; in my case I idolized these people for their qualities....

Ken: kindness and gentleness

Cloud: courage and confidence

Aeris: innocence and humility

Asuka Langley Soyru: humor and all-around confidence

Rei Ayanami: quietness

John Rzeznik: this guy is just great. Nice, funny, tough, determined, and deep-minded lyrics.

Day 4: First Gay Crush

FIRST GAY CRUSH ------------------------------- Timeline 1. Can't remember much, but like I've said before, my mom used to tell me how I used to always grab my summer camp caretaker's boobs. So, yeah. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is my poor memory. I wish I could remember if I were truly attracted to this woman or not, but I can't remember! 2. I had a crush on this girl named Julie in 2nd grade. I invited her to my birthday party (only girl) in February when the party was in July. Well, she thought I was extremely weird, and still in the "boys have cooties, eww" stage. 3. In 3rd grade, I was sitting in music class with my fellow classmates. We were all in a big square-like pattern, and there was this girl named Lauren that I really liked. So I scooched over and kissed her on the lips. Everyone looked my way and started ooing. It was extremely awkward, but I remember that memory. 3. I had a crush on this girl named Katie in 6th grade. Her boyfriend came up to me and said he was going to beat the crap out of me, literally. So okay.....(it's funny, his boyfriend is like 3 inches shorter than me.) Later, my crush kind of waned and I no longer liked her. I guess I just thought she was pretty. Side Note: I really didn't have a crush in 7th grade, probably cause I was too depressed and too stressed to have any crushes. I remember not really thinking any girls were hot that year; like, I never passed a hot girl and had "feelings." But, neither did I have feelings for guys that year. It's strange....one time I was with my friend on the bus, and he asked me if I liked which celebrity I thought was the hottest. I remember thinking really hard for an answer, but I couldn't truly find any female I thought was hot. I then blurted out "Cameron Diaz", but in my mind I knew it wasn't true. 4. My first gay crush was in 8th grade. I sat in front of this really tall Caucasian jock. It's actually a pretty weird story. It was basically him in back of me, and two girls to the right of us. The girls knew both me and him, so we talked a lot. Soon enough, he started to talk to me a lot, and soon enough he started to joke about me (not in a mean way, though!) I grew to like him a lot, cause everyday in class we talked in a very joking, funny manner, and our teacher always came up to talk to us. Well, anyway, one of the things he used to say was "I love you, man" while chuckling; he didn't really literally mean it, but it was enough to tell me he liked me (not loved me, cause I knew he was straight.) About two months before school was going to end, I found out that I really liked him and found him cute. (He was a tall basketball player with rugged looks), which really confused me. It was also when I began to switch between the two folders (*read below to found out what this means*) But, nonetheless, I found myself extremely confused. However, I didn't really have time to think about it too clearly, cause school was always in the way. I was also kind of dazed because I had romantic feelings for him. He was so handsome and so funny and best of all, he made me so happy at school. It was as if we were a couple the way we always talked to each other. So I just lived my life as it was as a good student who studied hard, but had a gay crush on one of my classmates. -------------------------------------------------- WHAT HAPPENED? Well, that was 8th grade. I'm now in 11th, so it's been 4 years. Currently, I don't have any crushes (although I still find some guys attractive while walking down a hallway). I'm also no longer attracted to that guy, cause I don't see him anymore in high school. We have no classes together, and I are friendship wasn't an "extremely strong" one anyway where we would hang out outside of school. However, I remember years later, I used to think about him sometimes on the bus. During freshman year, I would daydream about him and me together laughing at stuff. I'm over that now, but I still remember how lovestruck he made me feel. So yeah, that's the story of my first gay crush.

Day 3: When Did I Become Gay?

INTRODUCTION

So, there's this whole controversy about people "becoming gay", or whether they were born gay. I personally don't think there is conclusive evidence on either sides, or else it would have been more well known, so in this case, I cannot deny either theory. In my personal belief, I think although not necessarily you may choose to be gay, putting yourself around a "gay" environment can spark your homosexual instincts. (And I'll explain this all in the blog) --------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW I GREW UP TO BE............. Gay

Baby-Toddler I was a happy child. I think I mentioned this already, but anyways....I was born into a good familial environment. Two parents; my dad worked for an airline service, so we got tremendous airline benefits. As a result, I found myself vacationing anywhere we wanted to go; Disneyland, the Grand Canyon, Taiwan, China, Yosemite National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Florida, California, North Carolina, and a bunch of other places. I also vaguely remember this era; I only remember being a happy child cause of the numerous house videos I saw when I got older. Kindergarten I had a best friend named Timothy; we were just like any other kindergarteners. I never had a crush on him. However, as with the girls, my mom used to say that I always looked under their dresses. (I'm such a perv) She also said that whenever I went to summer camp, I used to grab my caretaker's boobs (.....no explanation.) I was a very silly child to say the least. 1st grade-5th grade (Elementary) Ummm....this is kind of weird. One thing I have to explain (and I promise it has to do with my homosexuality) is that I was a pretty bright student. I was extremely good at math; unfortunately, I was also very bad at reading. I remember being ranked 99% nationally on nearly all my standarized tests for math, yet scoring as low at 45% for reading. Anyway, this will come up later............ I transferred to this new elementary school I adjusted pretty well. I can't really remember 1-2 grade, but I do remember I was happy. And not only happy, but I always liked these girls in my class. One time, I got so excited over this girl that I asked her to my birthday party (in July) while it was still February. Needless to say, I was a klutz. Well, starting 3rd grade, the very best thing happened to me. Basically, these two families moved in on my street, and when they came over to introduce themselves as our new neighbors, I met their children. Both families had a son, and soon enough I started to hang out with them. We quickly became the BEST of friends, and when I say best, I really do mean best. I already mentioned this in another blog, but we did everything together. Every weekend, we hung out at each other's houses, and in the summer, we were together everyday for nearly 12 hours. It was crazy, and I remember feeling extremely loved. I was also never home, but that never bothered me much. 6th grade Well, I moved into middle school, and my friends didn't go the same place, so I didn't get to see them as often. However, I made a lot of new friends in my new classes, which were all extended because of my high math scores. It wasn't that bad of a year, but I still struggled a lot with not seeing them as much, plus my school work was extremely hard. 7th grade I Lost a Part of Myself 7th grade is probably the darkest moment in my life. I had a lot of trouble in seventh grade. I guess I should mention the first thing that hit me; class placements. Being a very bright child, I was always put into a highly intellectual environment. All my classmates were smart and as a result, most of my friends were in those classes. However, a new policy ensued in our school where only students with high scores in math AND english could be enrolled in the extended programs. As a result, I was kicked out of the extended classes at my school, which hurt me a lot. I remember the first day back to school in middle school. I went into my new english class, which was a regular class, and I started to cry because I felt so terrible about myself. I couldn't face any of my friends, most of whom had no idea that I had dropped out of those classes. Another thing I remember is the feeling that something literally was ripped away from my heart. My self-esteem slowly died at the days progressed; not only were my parents sort of disappointed in me, but I also lost a lot of my friends who still remained in the extended program. Most of all, however, I was so disappointed in myself. ------ Family Hatred This is also the year that I had a lot more homework, so less social time outside of school. As with any case, the less time you are with friends, to farther you drift from them. As a result, I stayed home a lot and counted on my family to be there for me. However, my parents were not the nicest people, and I found myself in constant arguement with them. I grew to hate them deeply, because I felt like they didn't love me. They were never really there for me, and the lack of saying "hello" or "goodnight" or "I love you" really hurt me; in my mind, I was still a child. I think that also hurt me a lot, feeling unloved. I felt lonely and sad, and soon enough my happy child image disappeared. One of my friends even came up to me and asked me if I was emo cause I looked sad all the time. I was THAT sad where I never smiled, but I definitely lost a lot of my joy. Mastubation and Hot Guys This was also the year that I discovered masturbation, which I must warn you is about the WORST THING YOU COULD DO IN YOUR FREE TIME. No seriously, guys and girls, stop ejaculating. It's just such a waste of time. Anyway......I think I found solace in masturbation, especially when I had a lot of problems at school and at home. This is where everything went wrong. So basically, I began to masturbate to porn on the internet. I remember going to this one website all the time, where there were two folders on the screen. One contained pictures of a bunch of naked women, while the other had a bunch of naked men. I remember always clicking on the naked women and jacking off to them. However, I soon found myself getting curious, and I remember slowing edging my eyes toward the naked guys. Eventually, I would switch off between the two, until I soon found the male physique more appealing. By the time seventh grade ended, I was addicted to gay internet porn. 8th-11th (Where I Am Today) There are soo many things that happened the next three years until now, but I can't write everything. But, basically, I started this lifelong addiction to masturbation which I'm now trying to quit. It's just soooo bad for you. You seriously spend hours filling this hypnotic sex rush that you think is great while you're still hard, but as soon as you "release", you realize how you just wasted your day doing absolute shit. I also started a turning away from girls and getting attracted by guys. I realized that the guys I crushed on were usually tall Caucasian jocks, which were most similar to the internet models. Once again, further proof that you really souldn't masturbate. Well, now I get frequent crushes on guys, but never to the point of obsession. I usually notice an attractive guy walking down a hall, pass by him, and then end up forgetting about him. So I don't really get "head-over-heels" type of crushes, although some have been pretty strong. ------------------------------------------- CONCLUSION Yep, so that's my story. I'd like to conclude this by telling you some advice. 1. Don't let your problems get you down. I was so bitter and angry and sad that I got kicked out of the extended program that I lost a lot of my joy. I basically turned from a happy, energetic child, to a downtrodden pessimmistic one. As I grew older, I grew to learn about other people's problems like starvation or domestic violence or divorce, and I came to realize the ridiculousness of my problem. It's not like my health was damaged, it's not like I live with an abusive spouse. Soon, I came to see my problem for what it was; a problem. And I fixed it by continuing forward. Sometimes, problems in life can't be changed, and the only way to fix them is to have the will to keep living. 2. Stop unzipping your pants Yeah, just stop. Seriously, it's about the most unproductive, most worthless thing you could do in your life. All you do is stroke your rod up and down while watching a bunch of naked people. While it may sound fun, and all those stupid claims of "health benefits", you lose a lot of precious time. And I'm dead honest. Masturbation will destroy your life. It will destroy your marriage when your spouse sees the porn websites/images on your computer. It will destroy people's trust in you when they see you jacking off. It will destroy the time you have with actual people around you who ACTUALLY love you, and aren't some holographic pixel with fleshy appearence. So call it quits. 3. Love yourself This is about the most cliche statement ever that literally goes into one ear and out the other. So Basically it means this; you don't have to count on the things around you to be hapopy. The people around you may not always love you, the circumstances of life might not always be favorable, and your life may pretty much suck compared to others. But no matter how painful life gets, no matter how hurtful your friend was towards you, or how backstabbing your boss was, or how painful it was to see your wealth disappear, you always have the option to be happy. Love yourself; don't go around all sad at heart, but be joyful. -------------------------------

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

Anywhere can be paradise As long as you have the will to live After all, you are alive So you will always have the chance to be happy -End of Evangelion You cannot always have happiness, but you can always give happiness -Unknown No one really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy -Cynthia Nelms Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown

Day 2: I Had a Gay Dream

GAY DREAM So this was the weirdest and ONLY male-male sexual dream I have EVER had. I've had some heterosexual sex dreams also, so when I had a homosexual dream, it crept me out. Basically, I found myself on top of a high building somewhere by a beach. It was so wierd to describe, because I remember distinctly being on a lawn chair having sex with this random guy ( I can't even remember what he looked like.) We were passionately kissing, and then it turned out all extremely sexual as I began to fondle his abs and arms. Basically, I dremdt this for a good amount of time. I then got off the bed and looked over the building edge, only to see my older sister below. I noticed she was looking up at me shirtless, and not wanting to be exposed, I hid from her. Weird. Later, the dream zoomed into my room, where I was sitting on my bid (fully clothed) with this guy named Brian from my Bio Class (who was not the guy I had sex with.) We were talking about homosexuality, and he said that he wanted to come out to his family. I was being really supportive of him, and I told him that we could spend the rest of our lives together. -------------------------------------------------------- WHY THIS DREAM CREPT ME OUT! First, I have NEVER had a homosexual dream before. Heck, the last time I had a sexual dream was about 6 years ago. I rarely have them, so they usually come as a surprise. Also, the fact that I was having sex with a guy was soooooooooooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooooo confusing. It's not like I wasn't attracted to guys, but having sex with them!?!? It was very weird. In fact, for that whole day, I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork cause I kept thinking about that dream! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! And the weirdest weirdest WEIRDEST part was that I don't even know Brian that well. I mean, we're not even considered friends. We only work together on labs, which is about once a week. So I was very confused why I dremdt of him coming out to me. And just so we're clear, Brian is not typically your "flamboyant stereotypical gay." So dreaming about this straight guy I saw once a day, who I barely knew, come out to me in my dream was very weird. And I'm CERTAIN I don't have a crush on him, so it's not that. I definitely am not attracted to him. I was very confused about this dream. However, one thing I know was for certain; I enjoyed it. And NO this doesn't mean I'm a slut. It's just that I remember distinctly that while I was "on the lawn chair" and while I was "talking to Brian", I remember feeling extremely happy. ----------------------------------------------------------------- POSSIBLE INTREPRETATIONS? Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to come out. I actually really want to get this "gay" thing off my chest. It's as if my life has been consumed with the word "gay." Cause all I can think about everyday is "I'm gay" "I'm gay" "I'm gay" and I hate it. I really hate keeping this a secret and continually denying it. I'm frustrated with the fact that I have to remain in the closet cause I'm absolutely certain no one would accept me for being homosexual. I just hate how homosexuality has to consume my life

Day 1: Nearly Everything About Myself, Except One Thing....

----------------------------------------------------- HELLO, MY NAME IS.... Hello everyone. My name is "Chase" (nickname for this website.) So you can call me Chase. Pleased to meet you all. I'm 16 year old American and I am a High School Junior. ----------------------------------- PERSONALITY I'm quiet: I don't really talk much in class, and I usually don't talk to people first. It's hard for me to find something to talk about with other people. I'm Shy: Yep, pretty much goes with above. I oddly don't like meeting new people, not because I don't like them. It's just I get uncomfortable at times. I'm Ambitious: I like this trait. If there's one thing positive I can say about myself, it's that I'm ambitious. I'm determined in what I want to do, I study hard, and I'm not ashamed of it! I'm Optimistic: I like wishing for the best. I know that sounds clich'e, but I really think it's better to be optimistic than pessimistic. I'm Terribly Lovestuck All the Time!!!: I get feelings of pure romance everyday!!! AHHHH HORMONES!!! THEY SUCK~! But seriously, if you ever see a quiet guy/girl in class, don't assume their asexual. While they might not be horny 24/7, they can definitely develop crushes. Which I honestly hate...(I'll post about this later) More... Yeah, I'm your typical quiet, work-hard type of guy with a lot of ambition. When I was young, I drempt I would be the guy would found the cure for cancer. Even today, I have silly dreams about being a rockstar like John Rzeznik or being a humanitarian like Gandhi. It's crazy. My mind is crazy. That's the best way to describe me. On one side, I'm a closed door; quiet, secluded, calm, conservative. On the other, I'm a maniac; ambitious, dreamer, and lovestuck. ------------------------------------------------------------- HOBBIES I Run: I like to run A LOT! It's probably my favorite physical activity, and I'm not too slow either. I Swim: I used to swim for my high school swim team, and I was pretty good at it (not to brag, sry.) I was one of the best fresh/soph swimmers when I started, but then I quit Junior year, because the practices doubled, leading me to come in at 4 in the MORNING! WTF? So I quit; my parents refused to drive me. I play Clarinet: I'm in my high school band and I'm decent. Not the best, not the worst. One things for sure; I really don't enjoy playing clarinet that much.... I Study: It's become such a big part of my life that it's now a hobby. Yes, I study a lot. Like 2-3 hours a day, not cause I choose to though!!! It's because I have so much frickin' homework I Write: Yeah, I like writing....okay I Read: I read anything fantasy. Philip Pullman's Dark Materials, C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia, the Wizard of Oz, all those moralistic fairy tales, yep. I love them More... I really don't have much of a life, quite honestly. My life is really centered around school, which is study and track and socializing.

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ALL ABOUT ME!

1. Where I Was Born: I was born in the United States.........Illinois.

2. Nationality: I went back and deleted this cause I didn't want anyone to read my blog selectively; I felt that would be for the wrong reasons.

3. Siblings: I have two sisters

4. Random Fact: I'm one of those people who likes winning no matter what. I hate it when I lose my swim meets, or lose against my friend at a video game. Yeah, I'm extremely conceited. Sry

5. First Gay Crush: My first gay crush was on this guy in my 8th grade math class. Previous to that, I HAD NO feelings for guys. Yeah, he was the typical Caucasian jock; tall, handsome, extremely handsome, and I remember saying to myself "He's really cute", which confused me at the time (I'll write about this latr)

6. What I Used to Do ALL DAY: When I grew up from 3rd to 5th grade, I used to play with my friends EVERYDAY in the summer. No Joke. No exaggeration. I'm dead serious. I would literally go to one of my friends house at 9 AM and return home at 8 PM. It was crazy; we're still pretty good friends, but times have changed a bit, so.....

7. Looking Up A Girls Dress Is Rude: When I was young, I used to look under the dresses of the girls in my kindergarten class. It was soo weird when I saw it on my home video tape.

8. English is the Best: My favorite subject is English, probably because that's the most loose class. You pretty much sit back and talk about highly philosophical or highly ridiculous things.

9. I Love Winning in Sports: My happiest moments were in sports, when I won my swim meet and placed high in my cross country meet.

10. One of the Reasons I Like Guys: This is very weird, and one of the reasons why I started this blog.....so anyway. I discovered masturbation at a young age....maybe 6th grade (which I deeply regret, cause I honestly think masturbation messed me up in my sexual development during my teen years.)

So anyway...I remember going to this one website with two folders. One had a bunch of naked women and one had a bunch of naked men. I remember I always picked the folder with the naked women and jacked off to them.

HOWEVER, beginning 8th grade, I remember clicking gradually to the folder with the men and jacking off to them. To make a long story short, I think what honestly happened was a horny little kid (me) got curious about what naked men looked like, and by jacking off to them, I got attracted to them. Cause I never thought anything about guys before 7th grade....weird.

11. Unhappy Family, Unhappy Child: I grew up a very happy child, mainly cause I had an extremely strong social group. I had the two best friends in the world, who were with me side by side not matter what. But as I grew older, times changed, I got really busy with school, so basically school pushed my friends/social time out of the picture.

Because of this, I began to spend more time with my family. Yet my parents are not the best parents in the world (nor are they the worst), and so basically I went through I period of my life where I felt extremely depressed because I felt like my parents didn't love me. Looking back, I acknowledge that they really didn't put me first in front of them, but neither was I perfect. I went through some trouble waters, though, during my middle school years. Which might have been one of the reasons I found comfort in masturbation

12. My Aunt is One of My Favorite People: I love my aunt. It's kind of random, I know, but she was truly one of the only people in my life to ALWAYS show a compassionate heart. She is soooooooooooo nice; I definitely have to blog about her.

13. How I Lost My Self-Esteem:

So basically, I grew up in a highly intellectual environment. I was always considered an extremely bright child in math, but also extremely poor in English. ( I think my math scores were ranked 99% nationally, yet my reading was once ranked 45%) (YIKES!)

Well, in seventh grade, a new policy ensued where a student had to be good in math AND reading to be enrolled in the extended courses. Therefore, in 7th grade, I was KICKED OUT of the extended program, where most of my friends were. It hurt like shit; I remember crying my eyes out in seventh grade when I got moved into an average-level English class.

I lost a part of myself during that year. That is the darkest year of my life; when I felt like my parents didn't love me, when I fell in love with a guy in my class, when I lost a lot of my friends from being transferred from classes.

That is why I suddenly became extremely quiet and introverted. I used to be a happy child. There's no denying I was energetic and joyful when I was young. But a lot of me changed when the pain started to hit. I'll definitely write about this later.