I Want That Everlasting Love

After we left and my dad was driving us all around Chicago, I wrote this entry:

" I just went to the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry.

I'm kind of sad for some reason. Maybe it's the weather, cause it's very gray and rainy. Or maybe because I've been walking around all day and I'm tired. Well, I don't know the cause of my sadness. All I know is that I'm sad and I feel purposeless. Now, I don't know if I feel purposeless because I'm sad, but I just know something isn't right.

Why did I go to this museum? Why am I taking pictures? Why am I here? This feeling has been haunting me for my whole adolescent lifetime. The feeling of despair in the limits, in the emptiness in all things finite, where nothing lasts forever."

I think I felt this emptiness and sadness when I saw the buildings around me while driving along the Chicago shorelines. Here's another entry I wrote:

"It sometimes makes me sad to see new buildings, or new TV's. Maybe it's unconscious greed. But, then again it could be just that I hate to know that they'll disappear in 2, 5, 10, or even a century past, but no matter, they will disappear. It's sad; maybe I could find something happy about this when I'm typing this??"

I'm thinking of Mariah Carey right now. I see her on stage at the 1990's Grammy Awards. Wow, she was pretty amazing. She was a shining starlet, as they say. But, like everyone else, like Michael Jackson, they will all eventually fade. It's true that nothing, and no one, lasts forever.

I think that's what depresses me about the world: how finite everything is. How our buildings, our accomplishments, our latest edition iPhone or what we thought was eternal cameras are all going to disappear someday. Even the people around us will someday be dead, be finite. I want something everlasting!

I want that house that won't ever fall down; I want that person who will love me forever. Where love is not something that comes and goes, that doesn't fade away after 2 years or a single day. I want that person who will live, everlasting, with me.

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I'm walking down the Chicago shoreline by the Adler Planatarium. I feel so alone, so cold. Do you ever feel that way, when you're walking down a wide path, and although it may be 60 degrees or whatever, you just feel cold inside?

Or maybe it's not cold at all, it's just that I'm lonely. I want to hold someone. Yes, I know I'm a 16-year old guy, but it's practically human instinct to be with someone.

I'm thinking about that person. That person who will walk along the shore with me in his arms.

I think that one shining thought is able to penetrate through all the sadness I'm feeling right now. It's comforting to feel love's power even without its prescence.