Feeling of Emptiness

The day before my cousins left..... we were all crowded around the dining table. There was me, my dad, my mom, my two sisters, Yen-Lu, Yen-She, and Buo-Re, eight people in total. With eight people, it's hard to imagine that nothing went wrong: a small arguement, people losing their temper, hateful feelings. But, to my surprise, that's exactly what didn't happen. We were having the time of our lives, the day before they were leaving. And it made me really happy, because moments like that are so rare in my life. Reading about shugo's entry "How I Lost My Cousin" reminded me of memories I have that are to say the least, frustrating. I also used to have two cousins I was very close to. There was Charlie, who was like my older brother. He was 6 years older than me, but that never stopped him from hanging out with me. I guess he was a pretty "tough" kid, the typical bad-boy, but he never was like that around me. Always kind, taking me out to see the city; it was very strange for such a young adult to do these things for me. And then there was Jay, who also was my young adult cousin. He was always so excited to see me and take me places. I think he was undoubtedly my closest cousin growing up. Now, everything's different.......it's not complete shit, but I definitely don't talk to them as much. They're not as excited to see me, and I'm not really excited either. I think it's because I changed a lot as a person. Like I mentioned in my very first blog, I drifted away from my happy medium as a small child. A lot has happened to me, a lot of broken relationships tore me up so much I almost lost faith in friendship, but that's for another blog. Basically, times change, and so do people. The other day, I was walking by Northwestern University in the afternoon. The sun was shining soft rays against my rough skin, the birds were tweeting, the trees were swaying with green undertones. There could not have been a more perfect day. Then this soft breeze flew through, and it caressed my face like a person brushing their hand over me. And in that exact moment, I just felt everything was "right." There was nothing wrong, no feelings of despair or loneliness or frustration; only peace. A calm wind blowing over me under the summer sun. I wanted time to stop right there; I wanted that wind to blow forever across my face. I wanted the sun to shine forever, for the trees to never lose their green hue. But the reality is that time can never stop, and so that wind eventually stopped blowing, and the sun eventually went down. Maybe I'm an idealist, call me a madman, but I damn well know what I'm talking about. I know perfectly well why this memory is so important to me. It is what I've been looking for my entire life. The feeling of eternal peace and calmness, where there is no pain. Does such a state of mind, or better yet, a state of place exist? The Buddhists say that suffering can ultimately be avoided with the correct mindset, while the Christians say that suffering is inevititable in this world full of sin. I guess since I'm Christian, the only thing I can do now is wait. Nothing is going to speed up my death, (unless I purposely kill myself), but I'm waiting, patiently for that day when I'll go to heaven. The place where there is no pain or suffering, only peace.